to whom do I belong ??

The sun shines brighter as the clock reads 14:41 with the rays fighting through the molecules of the curtain, faint along the air inside the room, to be bright enough and let the black ink roll along the pages legibly and lawfully.
I had a strange feeling this time around as I landed at the Dubai international airport. I wonder if I have been over that feeling.The brain still recoils on the decision that brought me here. Having taken that step it’s almost the end of my stay permit in this country, as it enters the countdown...

The local authorities make it clear that no visitor shall be allowed to exceed the stay period at any circumstance or expense.Well it remains a fact that this country actually bears a huge no. of blue passport holders inhabiting their land, so they have had enough...

In the race of securing a work permit, I crossed a personal landmark of triple hundred applications to different firms and corporate with another record of absolute zero replies.The beautiful new, fresh, shining gloss on my bachelor’s degree doesn’t seem to fascinate the Human Resource Managers.

In simple words of literature, all firms do not require any kinds of me. (I might not be sure about kinds but I’m sure about myself), so I have had the honor and pleasure to be on the block list of all enterprises.

The other day I suffered a serious stomach ache, having going along the pain I suddenly thought of returning to a place known as god's own country (apparently!).
Well there the prime minister himself wants people to die of hunger due to increasing price rise, so that the country gets rid of poverty ridden people (as alleged by the left - communists).
The party seated in the opposition of the legislature feels all personnel with any influence of "khan" in their existing/past history are terrorist, so should not be allowed to live in the country.
The recession free (self proclaimed) companies here do not even bother spatting at an unemployed beggar.

Back at home, my repeated jobless sights ticks the pressure meters every moment, siblings seem to have a problem with the way I live and the elders repent the decision they came to twenty two years ago. The air in and out of my system stinks the entire living room atmosphere as I being the major constituent of the slow poison being injected onto my Masters.

Having stepped out, I seem to be the common link among some of my peers experiencing mis happenings because of me. It was all right unless I entered into their lives (at least some of them).I might not bother elaborating, but the fact remains some where down the line.

Flowing through the uncontrolled emotion (for the countless time) I recalled my lord! Again, my religion asks me to pray at a frequency of five per day. Having failed to do so I do not even belong to that community.

Wondering at all the possible aspects of life and living, looking back at all the possibilities and probabilities of the happenings, kindling along all the positives and negatives I stick upon a simple question...

Whom do I belong to??


at 15:51
mE 'm mA lonE SouL

A week along..

In the wake of events happening, i thought to be back at my old friend. Well, it's a new fountain pen this time around, things haven't changed much, except for the cumulative aggregate of my academic career. Following the trends of global recession, the grand total hits its lowest mark in the eventful semester. On a hapless back of an unemployed, disregarded, non productive, non functional engineer, the trotting graph line shuts down all final hopes for a better happening.

Modifying an infamous movie dialogue, it hurts when one fails and it hurts more when there is a friend along with you. I wonder why does this life always hurts ?? Or wonder if life is all about being hurt..

It's been quite a period being with this old friend of mine, but i haven't stopped wondering each time i have been here, things haven't changed much though..It's pretty weird, but it gets more difficult day by day dealing along with different situations..

Now that's history looking at the time has gone by that "incident".

It's almost been a month and half at this place know, i came here as a fresh graduate looking for employment. Having forwarded resumes to over a decade count, this job hunting brought about a new revelation inside me, people don't even bother to consider me for an interview, selection seems to be on the other side of the highway.

After stumbling through four years of graduation, i start as a beginner again.. I'm a fresher.
wowa ! Things never change it seems, i was born 21 years ago, i was new, i went to my first school .. New.. Each year i went to a 'new' class, four years back i was a new high school teenager, i began new at my college and four years after I'm fresh again. I wonder which sane logic in this world actually justifies that. One common link that binds the entire fairy tale is 'new'.

Generally new stuffs are quite in demand in the market like a new i-pad, a new i-phone, a new soccer tune its world cup fever i suppose, a new HD television, a new streaming bandwidth heard of 4g i dunno, a new lounge/bar in town etc.. apart from stuffs a new governor, a new financial policy, a new president a new market strategy always is welcomed by the people of a country at least for the purpose of experiencing a change.

But (having used that word so often let make it clear that Christiano Ronaldo does fantasize me nor am i a pervert obsessed female lover..) so,
but there is no place in this place for a new graduate, well certainly for me..

There seem to be no point being positive anymore. I saw the glass half empty for seven semesters of my bachelors i succeeded securing a CGPA of around 6.8, i thought the glass may be half full during the final moments - thanks to a ....- my CGPA came to an amazing 6.51.
Generally the irrelevant and insignificant second digit after the decimal place contains a higher value for at least visionary satisfaction, buts it's the least in this case to depict an absolute loser.

Well, job hunting seems to be quite interesting, with absolutely nothing to do the entire day, go through all similar rants throughout the day, bear the antique saga of sweet chants of our beloved eleders, sit back and pretend to relax at the age old music play list..

The walls are closing on me..
Its hard to find relief

I need to fall apart..
I hope I'm not all alone..

Adding a cherry on the cake, a friend just reminded me, things have changed and even you have !! I dunno..Well it has, people maybe.. Let's see
people don't love each other anymore, i have started writing on the diary again, newspaper no longer carry the news from Palestine, Indians seem to have forgotten the naxals, relationships no longer stand their meaning, people don't tend to reply e-mails, mobile phones are no longer meant to answer calls, gay couples begin to have kids, people seem to be dying having a glass of natural vegetable extracts, i seem to be quoting English songs, best of all I'm no more anti-feminist (Lolz!).

But i dunno, that's the way it is and unfortunately life seems to have again stranded in a no man's land.Having bragged everything out, it seems quite better to feel a lighter heart.
thank you friends !

running short of any more vocabs, lets hope that things do work out, things be in their right place and be happy ever again.

Signing Off..
mE 'n mA lonE SouL

P.S. who knows life may be waiting for a praise from a true friend.. kyunki.. azeezon ki dua qubool hoti hai.. so keep praying and do remember me !! keep me posted !!

02:04 HRS

It's quite difficult to begin from where had i left. I remember a friend alleging me of the fault, I have improved my pal, I thought you would like to know.
I'm back at my birth land, for the unknown masses and it's not the same, things have changed they say, i heard that from a well wisher as i stood outside the funeral of a dad, may his soul rest in peace, may all his wrong deeds be pardoned.

It's quite awkward to return to the faithful papyrus and pen, my technological output being currently out of order(the entire note had been originally coined on a diary). It's been time since the last time i wrote this way. I hold a fountain pen after a gap of almost 7 years, yea right, things have changed..

All through the years of graduation had I wished to be at this place, but the very breath of its environment chokes my under renovation wind pipes.. things have changed, yea right !

There was supposed to be a blog entry on leaving the grad school, but the overflowing emotions halted the rail of thoughts. It was a teary adieu at the Chaudhary Charan Singh International Airport as I turned my back at the entrance of the ultimate destination.
I remember a last promise from a friend .. "I won't change.." How could i have asked for more from such a precious soul.
I wonder what awaits me at this rather new place, things have changed yea !

Hoping through a million hopes, I can only hope that things turn out good."It's all LYF..", they say as I read a small note hid inside my hand baggage.

Carving through the entire essence of each ultimate note that I carried, I was pushed back miles.. huh.. things have changed.. dunno, the fountain pen actually stopped working as i switched on a new ink roller onto my pages.
So as was I, being pushed backed miles into fear of being in an entirely new place with rather new changes.

I wonder what do I expect from life or what exactly life expects from me ??

Realizing through all changed thoughts, I thought again to be an improved surviving lemming and shortly be coming up with better news and thoughts.
As all, let's hope that everything works out well and all the good things happen in life..

signing off..
mE 'n mA lonE souL

Patched soul

This entry is an announcement of sorts. With a lot of rants.

Smoked Souls is a lovely place to be. It is one of the best places i have been to. I deal with my emotions over here. This blog has always been a toxic cesspool of emotional junk with bits and pieces of happiness floating in it. Nope. Drowning in it.

Fuck the fact that nobody reads this blog. Except for MeE and the lonely soul plus one. And a few random stumblers. I hope. ( remember what i said earlier about the cesspool???)

But this place means a lot to me. I know for a fact that i haven't contributed enough for this blog.i remember that this blog was started by me just in order to share two lives that were connected by the awful and extremely pathetic habit of smoking. Lungs got fucked. So what? God gave us each two of that.
I haven't been fair to this place. Or any entries that i have made in the recent past. This blog used to be a dream for all of us involved in it. But the dream ended and one fine day, i just stopped writing. What i effectively did by doing this is that i stopped communicating with a few people i had a connection with. And the whole point of this blog was that. To let all of us know how we were.

I think more than anything else, i blog for attention.
Or maybe in the vague hope that someone somewhere understands me and can connect with me. Or maybe i don't have a life.
I shouldn't care why i blog. I know for a fact that i blog because once upon a time i enjoyed writing. I enjoyed telling stories about what trivial thing happened last night.

FUCK ALL OF THAT.

I have turned into some sort of a dormant partner on this blog. I have gone through the possibilities a million times and also have spoken to Me n ma lonely soul about what i am going to do. Or rather what i need to do.

This is the end of the road for MeE to be a part of SMOKED SOULS. I still am everything i used to be when this blog was created.Except for my soul.

I have become a patched soul today. Somebody who is trying not to smoke and keeps sticking patches on himself, not knowing that one day when he finally removes the patches, he will run back to the very smokes that drains his soul and kills his body.

So ladies and gentlemen (both imaginary and real),

I guess what lies right above this sentence is the last entry i am going to contribute to this blog. And the person this blog is really meant for is Mr. lonely soul (the way i have written his name is absolutely creepy. i personally felt that he was a rapist when i proofread this). He has grown into a beautiful writer who often causes fits of rage and jealousy in me...nevertheless, i am sure that he will carry this blog quite easily and comfortably upon his shoulders. And i am sure that both of us will continue reading the crap we seem to enjoy writing and reading...

Thank you all for reading (and also for pretending to know like you can read. Hello Americans!)

Goodbye.

MeE (now a patched soul)

JB Signin off....

Burning Desire

I was walking in the jungle with a book in my hand. I stepped upon a cover to guess the owner of the land. I walked a little further and guess what I see..

19:45 hrs.. The awful tune (of my mobile phone) struck off just as I was about to see. I couldn’t even guess what awaited me there. I wonder if I would have stood to the breezes in Hawaii or be dancing around in the festival at Rio or lurking around the some Vegas strip club. I would even have sky scraping at Burj Khalifa or skiing down the hills of Shimla. I would even be hanging around at De Bambolena or Al Majrah (sheesha cafes located in the United Arab Emirates) or chatting around a little bonfire with a bunch of friends or rather breathing a fresh air with a friend over a cup of tea.

For the past 120 hours, I have been wondering where exactly am I?

In the wee hours of ultimate February morning I realized how much I have been missing my family. I really long to see all of them. I wiped a tear down to realize again that it’s obligatory to have a void in order to survive in this world.
Life is a race to fill in the voids, empty spaces or rather what natural humans call desires. I wonder if I die the day I have filled all the vacuums or I leave them in complete. Only time will tell how a peaceful death exactly feels. Wonder if anyone has ever experienced?

Through this twenty one years, I have went through people describing pain, exploring love, reading minds, unraveling codes, imagining stuffs like life of a hair, plight of a chair, what does the water think, life through the eyes of a wall, life at a glance, life if I were a proton, what if I could rule everything for a day, emotions of a flower petal, life seen by an old tree.. there is no end to the imaginations.
Justifying the above fact let’s experience the last breath of a dying soul. The ultimate CO2 + O2 combination that goes inside. Let’s experience the last trickle of air that goes inside before the eyes close. The molecules of air battle through to enter the respiratory tract before the last call of the lungs die out. I was lucky to catch upon with one such molecule.

Quoting from the interview: “it’s real exciting to be into everyone, some are real good and some worth forgetting. Lately I have been carrying a sweet fragrance every time I walk out of some nasals. I wonder it’s these species that you call females. Life is a real fun, but the only thing that bares me when I entered a track last night.

It was pitch dark all around, the place seem to have been deserted for decades, even the skulls of the dinosaurs seem to have vanished. I touched upon the ground only to feel an abnormal rise in temperature. Suddenly the darkness starts to melt, the scene gets uglier as the evils of pain, grief agony, disrespect spear upon the blatant field an after an hour of continuous wage a drop of blood rises on the ground..”

The molecule quickly rushed outside only to find some people weeping and crying, and another lying on the ground with its eyes closed.
I wiped a tear for the one who left. I wonder if I was happy for him being freed from the chaos of the world or sad for not being chosen for the same. I wonder if I was missing him as he was important to me or the only person who regarded me was him. I wonder if I was crying for the dead or relieving my own pain.

The molecule observed as I went through my emotions, and suddenly interrupted. He expressed to be human as they can cry over their own will. He expected to be human as they could rejoice over their own will. He continued..

“We do not control our emotions. I cannot laugh but I certainly cry. I live but I certainly don’t die.”
As the clouds above me get heavier, the particles oh H2O combine along with us molecules to make us cry. I weep along the rivers; bleed along the oceans only hope that all this tortures and turbulences shall get me a bright sunshine. A moment of truth and a moment to smile.

But as soon as the rays hit upon us, the H2O breaks apart leaving me upon my original condition. I do enjoy flowing through the hills, hitting upon the rocks, seeping the canaries and canals but just as everything begins to be happy the sun shines bright, blazing away the hopes, burning away the desires..

Walking past the lane I could witness the footsteps leading to my door step, I had just achieved which no journalist would have ever thought off. I covered a session with a molecule, I wonder if any of you could ever believe.

..I was walking in the jungle with a book in my hand. I stepped upon a cover to guess the owner of the land. I walked a little further and guess what I see..

13:15 hrs.. (yawn..) Ohh I haven’t been up since last night.. Ahh..
I wonder what I was through, all these times. I wonder where I have been. I wonder when did I sleep. I wonder how did I get up. I wonder if everything was just so nice. I wonder if I have been dreaming in my dream. I wonder whether I am technically right and grammatically wrong (or vice – versa). I wonder if I have been dis regarding a friend all this time. I wonder if I am hurting someone every moment. I wonder who am I??

I hope it was all a dream, only to realize LAST NIGHT that I am a molecule with a Burning Desire!!

signing off,
mE 'n mA lonE soUL

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Measure of Life

A glass of liquor is either half full, or half empty. A Toss of a coin either gets a head or a tail. A day either begins with a night or ends in a night. A race is either just begun or yet not finished. A life comes from dead or dies at the end.
It only depends upon the kind of attitude that any one possess or rather relies more on one’s own perspective. It doesn't really matter whether the view be optimistic or pessimistic, rather the thoughts may just hint the kind of personality a person carries.

Over the years it’s been quite clear that every perspective has built optimism or a dying pessimism. But after a complete introspection of an insomniac 14 hours 2 minutes and 13 seconds, i hit upon a great contrast.
Q: Is our lives completely professional or partially emotional??

Does the above query depend upon a person’s attitude? Is the glass still half full or half empty? What is the exact thought to be carried off? Who determines the measuring scale? Who determines whether the job is half done or just begun? Do all the philosophies fail to explain this little extract?
Both views either being completely professional or partially emotional may be taken to be as negative and positive, but these negatives ain't charges that may repel or attract each other, these are simple pieces of matter which do not relate to each other.

I didn't choose my parents. I never short listed who my siblings would be. I never created an uncle or an aunt. I don't confirm my life partner. I never say that "Mr. X." would definitely be my child. I don't meet every one on my own choice. The hearts don't get close with permission. I don't have a choice of friends.
All these things are destined for every human being; it has been decided and confirmed for every living soul. Given a choice for everything, things would have been a disaster.

When all these stuffs has been destined for me, how to i ever imagine to get rid of them. When emotions were already inculcated into every man & woman, then why aren't we supposed to value them?? I was never told that the following people would be your friends, rather its destined that who you meet in life. You are destined to have all those million emotions for a selected lot, and then what's wrong to say that life's partially emotional??

Again, every action, move, step, instance, moment lived by is definitely for one's own prosperity. Every little breath only helps one's own life. All the activities carried out by all individuals eventually is for your own self. Life is entirely selfish or rather professional. Each regarded friend in the end is valued to satisfy your own petty personal needs. There is no friend born in this world who can even do the very little for one's professional career.
Give it a thought,
Even your parents can't determine how well do you excel in your career. They might lent you a great position after your degree but it solely rests on you to carry the position along.
I mean there is no mechanism in this world which helps you for your own cause. Every action performed, eventually is to help your won purpose.
Give it a thought again,
I used my dad’s nourishment in my child hood, his support at my adolescents, his finance when I was an Adult, I used my friends advice for my decisions, his help in all my projects, his shoulders to carry some of my burdens..
.. I eventually become the most successful person in this world, but what do I return to them??

Isn't life all professional with every thing being used as a source you make your own self successful?

Are successful men emotional? Do emotions really matter after you have been relentlessly using and abusing all your factors until you succeeded in life? Don't you make a mock of all the feelings when you think about them only when you have become a successful professional?

Think again..
Do I ever succeed in life if my emotions are the first priority in my life. Why do I always lose in both of the ways?

There is one thing that has always remained, standing at one end of the measuring scale of my life, I had lost yesterday, I lost today both professionally and emotionally..
.. I fear thy future... because,

You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back...
be it professional or emotional...
..I fear to measure life..

mE 'n mA lonE souL

Jobs

15:50 hrs
12th February

The forty privileged flashed the red – bed notice board on being short listed for interviews at a leading software firm. There were only two khans of the selected lot, the rest being to the other caste. I thought to remind,
...My name is Khan and ..I’m not a terrorist.

Actually this is the lamest of the excuse that I figure out to disguise my personal failure. It wasn’t a test of knowledge neither skill, because both of them certainly has no reverence with my career or rather my life. It was simply a test of arrogance. It was a test of ego. It was a test of patience, personality and perspective.

I don’t regret to fail a test of brains. I recollect saying that I’m an engineer by certificate, by paper, by record, by a name plate, by vocabs, by tyranny, by fate, by destiny but unfortunately not by potential.
I lack the least of Logitech (logic + technology) reasoning. I do regret to have failed in my actual mission. I do regret to have deceived my family for all the trust they have shown and in the end failing to even differentiate between a voltage and a current.

I feel really ashamed to be back at this portal. I have this feeling for the first time in the entire four years. I confirmed upon my login details at this blog, when suddenly the status bar grinned while the menu bar pitied my condition.
I was pulled down to earth on the very concept that I boasted to have it me by potential.
The power to capture people by words, to gather praises through verbs, to heal every pain with an adverb came down to a mere curb.

I regret the very fact to have my head high merely for being familiar with a few extra word meanings.
Isn’t it shameful to boast around your literature in front of few who might have been deprived of their vocabulary for reasons out of their own control? There might be many responsible of the failure ranging form the country, atmosphere & environment. All these natural factors have no human control.

What difference does it make whether I say an exotic evening or an enjoyable evening, a horrendous task or a simply a difficult problem. Does using any of un common word meanings elevate me above my position. What do I actually prove in front of my people.

Apart from gathering some praises, do these words make any differences in the lives of the people, be it not difference, after being in touch with writing continuously for the past four years. I fail a simple test of some un common or rather in different words and meanings.

Do I still have the right to be at this portal and continue my boring thesis of life ?
Does this literature matter any more after all the truths being laid down to earth?

The amount of regrets mounts up as the giant clock completes 360 degrees of its rotation.
I don’t repent to have not qualified the test. I do follow a simple rule, not to have thought backs on things that have already passed through your life.

I regret to have let down people regarded with me. I regret to have let down all the expectations. I regret to have snatched a little smile on some faces, which would have quelled up at the moment of my success.
I lost a chance to do the extremely little for a faithful soul.

I don’t apologies today, because the five letter diplomatic word never rolls back tears. It does not return life, it certainly does not revert a foul experience neither does it change the prevalent circumstances. The word stands alone with its pure diplomacy.

.. my name is not khan..
..and I am nothing..

(huh! not even a terrorist)

Signing off..
mE ‘n mA lonE SouL