Dark Secret of Life Vol I

Today is 20th Jan 2018, almost 44K hours since the last time I was here. I don't even know where to start from. I checked my last blog just to know how to start a blog. I don't know why do I even care, not that I remember off. It's difficult to comprehend life now, it's strange to even type now, weird to be composing the missing bits of the spirit, unsure if it's even worth a single penny to continue the rant. However, this space has always welcomed me with open hands and big hug, it's my own shack, my own world, my rules, my way.

Sorry to be sounding like a teenager, but I was young when I last visited this blog. Let me start to pick straws from where I had left, it might not make sense  but would certainly instill a bit of pride, I know no one cares. The ones who did have left, the ones who didn't have joined. I have planning this bit for quite a while now but never had the courage to face the friend I left long ago.

The melody is same old in the background, the dearth of loneliness lingers on, my heart beats a bit louder, the fingers a bit tamer, the eyes a bit warmer, the breath a bit heavier, the love a bit stronger, the pain a bit harder, the peace a bit more peaceful. I am trying to gather from where I had left.

After leaving my birthplace for a little far off patch of sand (25°18′N 51°31′E, there is still some sheen left in me i guess ;)), the last time I sat down with my words I was trying to get a gasp of the decision I had made. I was still trying to understand the decisions that led me to this life, trying to get a grip of the situations. Long hours of loneliness haunted my life, with even the walls turning pale to my condition. I was happy in a small temporary shelter, would hardly have work and then come back looking forward to nothing. My friend would give me company but I never thought was enough. I had begged for this relationship to stay on, there are still some scars in the draft section of this blog which might never see sunshine. I tremble even at a  wisp  of that thought. I learned the art of keeping people happy at your own expense. No one told me you might run out of money one day. There was no stone upturned to keep the flowers blossom, to keep the garden beautiful, to keep the air beautiful. I ran out of adjectives for description, cried for nights for abstract, cursed the world for pronouns. It was still fun to have invested time and effort to yield a better result in life. I continued to have days and nights without work which became boring beyond a certain point.

I had friends coming over for visits, they fueled some cents to live on. I hung on a bit longer to please my friend and lo and behold we embarked on the next level of relish. Approximately 2.1K hrs later a few related people had started exchanging some new thoughts in life. Newer Engagements started to happen with a lot of caution and uncertainty. I was pasted to be traitor having hidden critical information even though my timid brain was unable to gather together the twitches of the nerves. I would swear by the biggest Almighty that there were no bad intentions but in vain. I sat weeping in a crammed automobile, begging for forgiveness not sure what else to ask for. I loved you, I still do, swearing has never helped but I can swear again. It was exactly as said,

na dil raazi na woh raazi to phir kahe ki ibaadat hai,

kiya jaata hu mei sajda magar sajda nahi hota 

Americans ! I don't feel like translating. I don't even care, neither does Trump so it's OK I guess. The waves had moved on, just as I thought I had won the world, my good times had begun. There was fresh blaze blowing through the glaze of the glasses, I needed help at every point, I was clueless in situations but the world does not help when you need the most. My life has always been a roller coaster, and about seven and a half thousand hours since the last time I was here I embarked on a journey of heavens, clouds, angels, blossoms, blessings, blondies, love, lust, louvre, care, affection, happiness, blushes, and so much more that I start to mince my own vocab. It was still year 2014, I was now married.

zamaana apni samjhe par mujhe apni khabar ye thi,

mujhe teri zaroorat thi, tujhe meri zaroorat thi

My world had changed, my legs trembled as I got into a shiny attire to have started a new venture. I sat in the midst of a few hundreds, my father smiled after a very long time, my siblings giggled, my friends grinned, I almost lost my heart to the stars as I accepted the love of my life. A bird chirped in the dark, a lily just blossomed, a dew just reckoned,  even the sun shone a little in the night. I love you, she still complains I never blogged about this till date. 

We flew around the around, I got short of voice to describe. There are a few moments beyond words, a few glimpses without a view, a few breaths without a feel, a few beats without a sound, a few touches without a feel. It's an assimilation of souls which is beyond universe, beyond humans, beyond grammar, beyond speech. Love you .. I rest my case :)

We spent a year in the same patch of unforgiving sand, where shelters now felt a bit warmer, the chills a bit tamer and dawn not so far away. Hope can even let you conquer planets let alone lives. Recently, I was scrolling through a phone which had captured a lot of memories, the quants the through the seas, the swims of the dolphins, the dancing peacock, the risen blue moon, the showering meteors, the rains, the smiles, the stares, the moments, the glares, the divinity, the bloods, the beds, the .. Love you again.

But the peaks of the tide had their share of grievances, grunts and bumps. I don't know who was right and who was wrong. I did hope that little things in life would matter to over come this, I did hope for a better morning, hope for a better evening, hoped for a better hope. I guess faults can be corrected if acknowledged as one, the only thing I didn't know that it's an ocean with no shore in sight. There is so much to say but I don't know ..

dard itna ki har rag mei mehshar barpa,

awr sukun aisa ki marjaane to ji chahta hai..

It's not fair leave you here .. I will be back 

 

signing off abruptly  @02:38 HRS..

mE 'n mA LonE soUL

He vuelto [edit: Spanish]

12/20/13 – 2214 HRS   [edit: typos] 

I closed the browser page to realize that’s its exactly two years since I had been here. I thought the world ended in 2012, unlikely that I’m still blogging from the skies. Life’s been a roller coaster as usual in the days, I am a Security Analyst now !

I couldn’t control my smirk as I spell out the last lines, even my senses don’t bare a chance to mock at me.  My current position doesn’t hold much relevance to my life, except that it gives me food, shelter and clothing. I like the profession though, which doesn’t qualify me as a deserving individual at that place, though, I am a mediocre at my work, doing the regular stuffs, only hoping that a miracle can help me survive the competitive market.

I know this is the most irrational expansion of what I have been doing, but it should be enough to conceive that my career seems to be unwavering at this time, hoping to attain the acceptable level at some point of time. However, the future is a little hazy pertaining to the current work atmosphere and client interaction. (For all Americans !) I come from the IT service Industry / Information Services, where the truth of surviving the race to the target is regular orgasms, and a contraceptive pill can definitely denture your hopes for growth.

Moving on, I moved to a different geographical location a few months back, currently residing at 25°18′N 51°31′E (for all Indians – Read: Doha , Qatar). It’s a quiet, laid back city in the middle of quaternary, with most of the local population arrogant and ignorant. The only learned men running the daily firms are either of Indian Origin, or the people from the west and Middle Eastern Arab countries.

It’s not the same as Dubai, which is quite happening for most of its part, with great infrastructure and modern surroundings, reminding me of the live that I actually looked for.

Here, in the midst of Arabia, as I must say, in a moderately 8 square meters room, the only activity that last for long hours of boredom and staleness is the repeated sound of Indian movies, playing for the millionth time. Other sorts of entertainment include frequent visits to the toilet, opening and closing of doors, shifting bases from the bed to couch back to bed, sneezing at times, breathing for most of the times and thinking of a sci-fi mythological figure which would be born one day, to fly me out of this dungeon or at least digest me as his last supper !

I thought of putting up all the rants that have been doing rounds in my mind, being  up-to-date with all the political circus happening around the globe, but decided to list it all, in the posts to follow.

A lot has happened since I was here last, a no. posts couldn’t make it to the forefront for all unexplained reasons, and however, the time has come to revive the sheen on my lost gold, the eternal peace of my life. I am not sure if I had mentioned this in the past, but there is a little difference in the loneliness that haunted me and the kind of solitude am in now. I found a significant other (SO) to be with, probably even before December 2011 (the last time I was here).

I remember reading amor cuerdo , no es amor [edit: Spanish], as I set out on this new fantasy. It’s been lovable, adorable, and delectable in some parts while the rest hope to be in peace. I know this is how it turns out for almost everyone, but the very purpose of this blog is not to stand out unique or different in any ways. This space is a part of my life, irrespective of being customary.

I have been the silent sob for the most part of this relationship which I don’t mind though, while the only thought that lingers is that my SO, doesn’t let me down one day. I don’t except much but just a little love and care, never to be in the shoes of Niemoller who once said, “First they came for the socialists, and i didn't speak out because i wasn't a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and i didn't speak out because i wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and i didn't speak out because i wasn't a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me. “ I would be muted for the rest of my life.

Moving on, it’s seems to be rebuttal of time, wonder if the clock hands have started to run backwards, I have returned to some old Indian melodies, I have started to love pain, I feel cursed again, I evaluated my faith , I feel lonely again. The past months have been difficult in terms of mental reconciliation and emotional bliss. Prudence however, explains these situations to be completely natural, but my little thinking factory seizes to accept.

I remember the days, back in the hut when I longed for a personal space, an area of conscience to play around with my spirits of goodwill and hell. I had always thought this new venture would be more enduring, more likeable, but it turned out to be on the contrary. It’s a mixed bag of emotions every day. The new work order, doesn’t have much on offer at present, and feel to be coveted by the loved arms of someone special, eats into the rest of the day.

Never mind, I don’t have much to say now, but I will be back soon with more thoughts on a regular basis. I wish to sign off with a few lines I am with right now, [edit: Urdu/Hindi]

Sukh ban gaye sapne , Sab kho gaye apne

Dil bujh gaya, Ghar jal gaya

Na jaane kyun na jaane kyun

Yaadon ka phir aanchal uda

Na jaane kyun na jaane kyun

Kyun so gayi shame , Kat na sake raate

Dil bujh gaya, Ghar jal gaya

Na jaane kyun na jaane kyun

The joys have turned to memories, all near ones have parted ways

My Heart has lost the light, the house is on fire

i dunno y..  dunno y

Reminiscences have flown away

I dunno y.. dunno y

Why the evenings have fallen apart, I’s difficult to see through the night

My Heart has lost the light, the house is on fire

i dunno y..  dunno y

I dunno y ..

mE ‘n mA LonE souL 

Senior Citizens

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

However, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music;

The pride out of appearance;

The courtesy out of driving;

The romance out of love;

The commitment out of marriage;

The responsibility out of parenthood;

The togetherness out of the family;

The learning out of education;

The service out of patriotism;

The Golden Rule from rulers;

The nativity scene out of cities;

The civility out of behavior;

The refinement out of language;

The dedication out of employment;

The prudence out of spending;

The ambition out of achievement or;

The fear of God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I am the life of the party . . . even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps . . . with a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

 

 

 

Spread the laughter, Share the cheer.

Let us be happy while we are here.

In touch with introverts

Samineh I. Shaheem (Out of Mind) / 12 May 2012 


In a world where many sing to tunes such as life’s one big party, time is money, seize the day, you are who your friends are, where we are quickly judged by the impression we make in the first 7 seconds of meeting someone, life can be quite tough, tiring and confusing for introverts.
 
More than ever now we’ve realised that there are copious myths around the introverted personality type, they often get a bad rap and are a highly misunderstood bunch. This bewilderment affects both the introvert as well as the people they interact with.

If you know someone who needs to spend many hours alone every day, who is reflective, has an uncanny ability to concentrate and loves one on one conversations about the important things in life, but seems awkward in groups and unskillful at small talk then chances are you know an introvert. This person needs to be dragged to parties and throughout the night, they prefer to sit in a quitter corner, observing other people and just thinking. Others often check on them 3 or 4 times an evening to make sure ‘they are ok.’

Introverts like to figure out what exactly they’re going to say before saying and if they’re not ready for a conversation they’re likely to remain quiet. Often times, they’re accused of being cold, lack social skills, arrogant, boring and socially heavy.

Some of the social preferences and traits of introverts are:

• They have only a few close friends but their friendships are often intense and more sincere
• Do more listening/thinking than talking
• Talk to family members and not to strangers as much
• Like solitary activities, like reading
• Love being alone
• Less dependent on approval from others
• Dislike being centre of attention
• They are calm and peaceful by nature and self-controlled
• Reluctant to join in new activities or games
• Like creative tasks
• Observant and are extra sensitive
• Not very expressive
• Psychological studies substantiate that 70% of gifted children are introverts
• Because of the fear of failure they may avoid having new experiences
• They take time in making decisions and if rushed they feel extremely uncomfortable and sometimes refuse to talk at all

One of the most common misconceptions is that introverts are shy. We now know that shyness has nothing to do with being an introvert since they’re not necessarily timid or nervous around others. It’s just that they need a reason to interact and it doesn’t help that they’re very comfortable around silence, conversation gaps and don’t feel the need to just talk about anything for the sake of talking.

Despite the fact that there are many famous and successful introverts such as Albert Einstein, Mark Zuckerberg, Julia Roberts and Bill Gates, many people are not very accepting or rewarding of this type of personality trait. We admire obviously confident, bold and gregarious individuals and judge the more reflective types as being weird or problematic.

Studies have proved that introverts are physiologically more sensitive than extroverts – they can’t interact with others as much and when they do, they often feel drained and need to be alone to recharge. When overstimulated, an introvert’s mind can actually feel like it is shutting down so it becomes hard for them to think or talk. It is this, along with other such characteristics that have proven introverts to be more susceptible to psychological and physiological health risks than extroverts.

Introverts have so much to give and are talented in many ways. The more we learn about them, the better chance they have of being true to their composition rather than acting the way society, friends, family or loved ones want them to act. Once an introvert grasps the many positive aspects of their character, they will be able to better explain/understand their actions, behaviours, opinions and attitude.

These strong silent types need to be equally appreciated as the social butterflies. They are not being dark, distant or difficult, they are just different so since when did differences become deficiencies?

Remember, learning more, results in living more…over to you…

Samineh I Shaheem is an author, an assistant professor of psychology, currently lecturing in Dubai, as well as a cross-cultural consultant at HRI. She has studied and worked in different parts of the world, including the USA, Canada, UK, Netherlands, and the UAE. She co hosts a radio program (Psyched Sundays 10-12pm) every Sunday morning on Dubai Eye 103.8 FM discussing the most relevant psychological issues in our community.

Reference: http://www.khaleejtimes.com/nation/inside.asp?xfile=/data/nationhealth/2012/May/nationhealth_May25.xml&section=nationhealth

Real Wild..

Disclaimer: I understand that the title has no relevance with the content below...

Anyways..of what seems to be one of the most belligerent post ever, I wonder staring at the small clock at the windows taskbar for the hundredth time only to be realizing that none of my stares would ever scare away the pace of time.

It's very difficult to quarrel between different veins within you and yet producing results to satisfy sanity and humanity out in the present world. I remember my history teacher warning that the wars between nations have always caused changes which could not be undone at any point of time. I fear the same within me.

Anyways, welcome me to a new job again. My work permit reads my position as a Computer Engineer but I would work as something else, definitely, would not be engineering computers any day. I seem to have an excellent record of having being associated with three different firms within a span of twelve months & thirty days, while being tagged to a different kind of work each time.
Ranging from Finances to Customer Services and switching on to Network Security, it’s been as different as my phases of personal life.

Moving along the same chord, I began with managing customers as I would imagine that I made new friends at the grad school, while I moved to Finances and handled critical Issues and provided solutions, I started addressing some critical personal Issues and discovered the most enduring, enthralling, fascinating and reveling part of my life.

However currently I'm engaged into securing the newly discovered bliss as along my work I would provide security solutions to people and help them secure their confidential data and work. I hope I succeed on both horizons, as even a minute glitch in anyone of them would cost a million un payable stars.

Well, generally this the time of the year when I would be looking to conclude an eventful past, with a lot happening.

I travelled almost the entire stretch of the land of Aryans, tasted various indigenous cuisines,
either by force or by choice, met thousands of different people (as quoted from a friend - a million lemmings surviving the odds) of the country of which I'm supposed to be a citizen (I know I'm being highly ungrateful - I'm talking to you !).

I promise to publish the extract of the entire experience (even if no one seems to be interested in reading it), but I suppose these are the signs of being a great on your own and not worrying for recognition (self-congratulations !).

I know a few of you would have smirked, irked and thought of seeing my face again but I just cannot help it, well I shall again promise that pleasure to you so that you can personally sing the praises for me.

Well, I hope I'll be back soon on this portal, and wish that I have a better time out here and hope that I reunite again with my soul, which cannot be forgotten or separated ever, even from my thoughts .. I know it seems quite absurd over here.. but as said I don't care..

Signing off..
mE 'n mA lonE SouL

if only

In the milky way of cloud computing, a failed binary transition folded up to a new transaction, recreating the blues of the hidden past and the coded future. The system blinked twice before making weird grunts and complains as the perspirations reloaded into the living world.

The year almost seems to be getting rid of its cold days in this part of the continent, as I reconcile to my senses. The beginning of the year got me a splendid feast in the form my first pay cheque. It was over whelming to own some hard earned bucks. The clock had struck 47 minutes past two in the afternoon as the salary amount flashed on the screens of my cellphone, I think the squirrel quizzed for a moment passed a smile and whisked away as I stood beneath an old tree waiting for the transport back to the dugout. The molecules around seemed still for the next half hour waiting anxiously in the queue to congratulate me for the occasion. The blissful evening concluded as I reached out to all my contacts through all modes of communication to deliver the big news.

Well, the system blinked again, with the year greetings for all. I thought of concluding a lot happening 2010 but the viruses blocked the successful compilation while certain Trojans disabled a few posts to be populated.

Things changed quiet rapidly as I fell in love with a new firm moving along the next month. I had a chance to grab a glimpse of my peers only to gather a few more moments of truth along the hurdle of life. I incarcerated her ultimate smile treasured the presence and hoped against every hopeless hope to meet again !

I held my hand tightly across the proposal letter as Priya (HR ,Chennai) let her emotions flow through my brains. The systems had recovered in safe mode as I recorded my acceptance of the offer to be a part of a new experience, a new venture, a new idea, a new game plan, a new life (again!).. I went back to the system date to read it has St. Patrick’s Valentine Day !

Nevertheless I am here..

In a land where the existence of people are felt by their smiles, men trust an un stitched piece of cloth hanging down there hips more than the regular pants, while regular talks are equivalent to be comprehending Greek & Latin. The minds are as empty as coconut’s while civilization seems to be a distant invention.

Before getting into my miraculous web..

I still wonder if the protagonist always gets its share at the very end. I wonder if he/she has to trail all the possible trenches until the cliff. I wonder who scripts this entire role, with the deserving being lined up in descending order. I strongly believe that buried Ruby’s are more valuable than the surface diamonds (though take a longer time to be discovered). I believe the scripts eventually fall to a time line until the failure themselves fail to face you ! I only hope that he/she still believes..

Getting into the webs after a large layoff..

I got back into the grooves of my faithful melodies, to swing through the honor of a beautiful yesterday. I remember kicking around my mother’s lap only to cry out loud in hunger. I grew up only to translate the same tunes into words. I could ask for my nutrition any time of the day..
I remember my early days playing around my locality. I could ask my neighbor for the ball each time my friend, fierce fully vented all his power behind the poor piece of matter. I could always ask my mother for that extra last hour to be at the playground.

I asked for the color of the shirt as I clinged on my father’s hand while he whistled through the festive shopping list. I always asked for the latest trend while just avoiding his scorn looks. I remember suggesting my expert (at that age ) opinion on the type of fragrance to be bought home.

I asked for every turn that seemed dark , every path that was not straight, every destination that looked astray. I asked for the lights to be on as I blinded my way through the different phases of the day.
I asked for all that could make my way..

I asked a friend for a cigarette, as we walked a long way through the fields. I asked if we could stay back the same forever. I wished this doesn’t happen to all who wish to be together. I wished there are none like us..
I asked for a drink as I wished the clock stops and the calendar’s turn back only to be back into my senses mid air..

I asked for a helping hand as I helped myself down the great dome structure. I asked for help as I lay half dead on the beds after a devastating encounter on the national highway.
I asked for the gift for my next birthday, I asked for the scores to successfully clear the grad school, I asked for extensions to complete all the pending work, I asked for pain to be more painful, I asked for a friend..

I went asking for a job, for a recognition of not so glorious past but the coded future..

I ask for remuneration for the days I work
I ask for leave
I ask for food again !
I ask for happiness
I ask for grief;
I ask for sanity
I ask for salvation ..

If only I could .. ask for LOVE..

signing off
mE 'n mA lonE souL

Something..

The last time i thought to be here (the blog) was in the tenth month of 2010. The calendar today says twelfth of the twelfth month. Unfortunately the last cut couldn't be published due to certain unavoidable circumstances.
Well the numerology's don't bother me personally but certainly put me in different emotional states, while looking at it practically.

Going by the weather its winter again, but the local temperatures hover around 69 degrees. The mornings are soft with pleasant breeze around, the afternoons go along with several cups of tea and the evenings end up being exhaustive.

After being through long hours of boredom and absolute joblessness, i finally entered the corporate world as a millionth lemming, trying rigorously to conquer a drop before the ocean tides sweep away.

The workplace follows its own cult culture, which goes along nicely. The environment is good with greater amount of global influences rather than local.
Typical stereotypes, chauvinistic ideas and clumsy politics are quite far off. It is certainly one of those places you look forward to be in the next day.

So life has taken over a change in some aspects. 'Aut viam inveniam aut faciam' - I'll either find a way or make one. I certainly don't endorse the tag line but the truth is that i have found a way or may be I'm trying to do something new, whichever may sound logical.
But after a treacherous shift of 14 hours a day, as i head back to my dug out, there is something that's missing, there is something that's lost, something is void, something is absent, something that exists no more...

You may by now be blaming of being so ungrateful towards life. I mean what more can one expect from his/her absolutely (once) non-happening life.
yea! but there remains a striking difference if anyone bothers to look through it.

For instance, i build a multi - storey estate but eventually fail to complete the top floor for some reason, it goes missing, there is something that's missing.
Again, i build a chain with each grid locking onto the next and so on, until a ring goes missing, it's all complete but the ring, there is something that's missing.

Unfortunately everything seems to be like the chain when at the end of the day there is something that's missing. It's more to be like a Ham Burger without Ham, a pizza without it's base, a teriyaki with no vinegar. It's NOT like a zinger with no extra mayonnaise.
(I may sound a little foodie, since I'm currently surviving on a weird combinational diet !!)

...

'A lot can happen over a coffee' reads the baseline of Cafe Coffee Day™® .

A lot did happen as i shared the table amidst the flickering morning sunlight with a colleague. She did seem interested in knowing things about me, but after leaving the place after about 120 minutes there was nothing that i could look back, nothing that i may recall.
Rolling the reels to few months back, i still relish the time i shared the same chilled Irish coffee with a friend, again being from the fairer sex.

There is something that misses every moment..

Life goes on they say, you meet new people, you gain new experiences but do you meet new friends ??

There is something that misses every moment..

I realised that meeting people doesn't create much difference while meeting friends does. Now it may entirely depend upon how much or rather to what extent do you value or space a friend in your life OR rather the percentage of your life you dedicate to him/her.
Well life's too busy to think about so many people, if that's the case there may be something missing at the top of the multi storey, Otherwise there is something that misses every moment..

A text of two words, a verbal of few verbs forms an arbitrary link to complete the mysterious chain. It temporarily attracts charges, in a region of high electro negativity, to form successful bonds, and eventually turns the atom neutral again.(excerpts from: Fools on Chemistry© - Prof. Saad).

Having come along a long way in life, there is something that misses every moment..

As i reach out to conclude this little chapter today, let's hope to fill this little voids of life one day.(De Profoundus Clamo ad te domine). Living through every second with the same guilt does have an impact on the overall personality, but i can only hope that things be better one sunny morning.
There was something that had been oscillating along for so many days, may not have come up clearly but, this was a little note put up only to say..

I miss.. a friend.. cuz there is something that misses every moment..

signing off..
mE 'n mA lonE souL