State of Today

two fore limbs and two hind limbs with an elongated tail, less than 1mm total body aperture, the exact structure of "peter".
peter is a vampire of this place in real meaning.

17 yrs of education had taught that vampires suck fresh human blood through the neck, peter is different. It causes bacterial inflammations all over the place it crawls on the body. This time he had come to visit my lower pelvic girdle region.
Its been two days that i have left my resting square, the inflammations made the slightest movement impossible.

It was an awful day with no work except bed rest, with all friends out to the city.
I wondered will I ever be alright?
16hrs since then the limbs don't allow the finger movement.... what if I have reduced 85kg - 55 kg in 6 months, thanks to Hostel Mess, New boys Hostel, Integral University, Lucknow.
(Address recommended for obese, weight conscious people)

All this but the heart longs to stay on its motto. True!... that itself is the real essence of life.
Thought: When do I succeed to achieve my motto?

People live for someone or another in this world, parents, wife, fiance, family, friend....
I wish to live for friend's'.... Is it possible??
Does the plural ever exist. Quotes have it " A true friend.."
Does true friend's' exists??
It remains a big question..

I wish that I'm on the right path.....
Philosophers had said, everyday has a new beginning...
Unfortunate again this never happened even today. The mind again buzzed up with the same queries.
Well thanks to this portal that I'm existing today.... other than the prominent cigarette puff's supporting it.....
from the past few months i have been living on a new additional supplement...
sentimental, sad, old songs including love songs...]
I have realised the importance of music in my life... Atif Aslam, Sonu Nigam and numerous unnamed.....
People listen to love songs in memories of their fiance, crush.. both of which which never existed in my life.
Wonder why do I still love the songs?

AM i psycho??

But ever wondered implying these songs on your life...

"Dil ke raaste pe kaise tokhar maine khai,
tute khwaab saare ek maayusi hai chaaii..."

The sorry biography of my life...

My friend loves the line in memories of a female, i do them in memories of my life, the present state of my life...
I no more feel to talk about all this... wonder why not??

Thanks to a friend that i have been living all these days, or i would have been history....
Looking at the problems he faces, ups and downs of his moods has give a silver lining to live on.......

"Dil me magar jalte rahe,
chahat ke diye.. tere liye....,"

Hope every second, he wears a smile on his face, happiness be his heart beats, wish my every step be joy in his life.. his tears flow through my tear gland......

Hope that i achieve my aim in some way.....
Sorry females if you feel I'm gay... even the worst of accusations affects this soul no more...

signing off seems awkward but there is no option left with me....

"There is always a reason for everything,

a reason to love,

a reason to die,

reason to live,

reason to cry,

but if u cant find a reason to smile...

can I be reason for a while..."

Me 'n mA loNE souL

Looking Forward...to What?

Never ever look forward to anything in life...thats lesson numero uno that you must learn from it.

Never look forward to going somewhere.
Never look forward to going home
Never look forward expecting people to be there...and that too just because they say they will be.

Sometimes, people get a life of their own.
Sometimes, people take you for granted.
Sometimes, you might be the least important in someone's life...especially when they claim that you are the most important.
Sometimes, people tell you that they love you a lot...even when they cannot make a simple small sacrifice for u.

This is what life taught me the last one year...that I am alone in this world.

I have to fight my fights alone.
I have to walk my walks alone.
I have to learn my lessons alone.

I have to exist my life alone...

Loneliness has ironically started becoming my only company...sucking away all my memories...slowly taking away reasons to live...one by one...slowly, yet not slow enough.

It hurts to be alone when your friends want you to be there... some say that i don't call.Some say that i don't care...i don't even want to defend myself.Maybe because they can then give themselves a reason...an explanation...a satisfied feeling.

It is not that i choose to be alone.I can't help being alone anymore...loneliness is my only company on days.Good company/Bad company....i don't think like that anymore...

Life hurts...but you gotta live through it...at least exist...

"Life is a lesson,you learn it when you are through -Limpbiskit"

MeE

JB signin off...

The Last Breath...

Digestion failure, low blood count, feeling of guilty and total body pain...
holding the 10g ink shedder in my hand feels heavy..
looking at myself i feel ashamed of the skinny hands, the dirty ill-fated(30'') hips and the scars on the face due to the relentless scavengers, flies, bugs and many unwanted creatures, an unwelcome guests of the night at this place.

What a wonderful routine life to follow? Amazing it is to live on this way... but life goes on...

It was 09:30 in the morning, the Sunday seemed to be the largest ever in the centuries gone by.. almost 43 degree Celsius of heat the weather never permitted to even peek out of the balcony, but the urge for a puff, the urge for life dragged the soul out for a walk.
500m down the lane seemed like the never ending dunes of the Sahara Desert.

The day never seemed good, the heart never allowed it to be...
the feeling of uneasiness took cover, history repeated itself this Sunday.. the soul felt disregarded...
i felt cheated, i felt disgusted, i felt victim...

For all the time i had been spending, devoting for a friend the least of the favours asked went unanswered..
I was taunted of for my poverty...
clamping my heart , i said old is gold...
but "unfortunate" is now my routine life, this never happened.. no one bothered even glancing through at the state of this disillusioned clay piece...
I wonder whether the vessel of friendship has only an Inlet valve..?

An unanswered query went by...
Do I know my limits of friendship?

All this came only hours after i was denied a visit to my "town"...
Excellent... even the burnt over ash of the soul was not left to rest in peace..

One query....
Will my life ever evolve over all this for a new beginning or remain as an unsolved mystery like the physics of Universe...

Even the networks of galaxies seem solved compared to the mesh of my life....

Wonder why everything seems so unsolved?
Wonder why do I have all the problems in life?
Wonder why does the heart feel guilty after the greatest of deeds?

The eight inches stick no longer permits the flow of ink but my heart still promises to go on until the last breath...

Philosophers had said that "great beginnings in life have glimmer endings", my chapter of life seems to have come to its final stages..
just a few more years till the breath lasts, but the path for life is over...
life in means of emotions, feelings, care, trust, faith and all that except the normal biological cycle...

One last thing before the final hours...
let me clear one accusation against me...
The world says " Its all that your mind feels this way.. things aren't that bad"

but let me tell you all family, friends, colleagues, well-wishers and enemies....

"Ye meri wafa ka sila hai to koi baat nahi..

Ye dard tumse mila hai to koi baat nahi..

yehi bahut hai ki tum dekh rahe ho kinare se...

main doob rahan hoon to koi baat nahin..

..koi baat nahin...."

Good luck for life and have fun... friends,family..

signing off
Me 'n mA LoNE souL

...The Difference...

Wondering at the just concluded IU Campus Fiesta - 07 i miss my old days of schooling and the beautiful moments back "home".

Fiesta - A Spanish word referring to festival. A time to party usually during summer's with huge gatherings, joy rides, ice cream stalls, Music, DJ's, love lanes, and lots 'n lots of love.

In real sense this is what really i call FIESTA.

There was a lot of excitement for the upcoming so called fiesta in our college. The program were well planned, the event well named, the prizes well distributed but all this with no Music and No DJ.

Is this really a Fiesta?

Does any gathering be complete without the pure essence and soul of music?

Does any teen gathering complete without a rock song?

Does a party have any meaning without music?

Unfortunately, the answer is "yes" when it comes to IU.

The Fiesta concluded last night without even a minute of music. The stage was all set, beautiful lights, well dressed fellas and brightly dressed females. The perfect ingredients for a beautiful and romantic evening....,

but...

the f**kn proctorial board would never allow. I wonder what do they fear...?

What's the harm if a group of teens dance together in the evening especially when u have organised an event on the name "FIESTA"..?

Will any harm be caused to the girls if they dance together?

Will any female be molested or raped if they enjoy the evening with rock music?

and... after all it is a Fiesta....

The word has its own meaning and spirit....

I wonder when will the people of this place evolve themselves for the 70's thinking?

We Danced the whole night till 03:30 am on 28th March 2006(hope the date is right), no female was sexually exploited in any sense, well they surely made out only with the permission of the gal...

there was nothing forced....

All this has just added to the agony towards this place,

.. wonder when do I (If I ever) graduate out of here..

..wonder If I ever win back my golden days..

..wonder when does my life return to normal..

..wonder..

...when does the smoked souls say "we are living again!!"...

I conclude on the hope that the people of this place modernise, evolve their minds and live as the world lives today, shaving back all the old and premature thinking....

signing off..

Me 'n mA LonE souL

A P A R T

WARNING : I AM RANTING

JAN 19th 2007... PREVIOUS Entry.

Today FEB 24th 2007.

They say that I am drifting.There is no doubt about that.
BUT, I am not doing it of my own accord.

I feel my purpose is over in most of the lives that have crossed with mine.
All of you have your own self sustainable lives now..

Some have new friends and some found love.
Some found escape in DRUGS and some lost their memories.

Everyone i know leads a new life.And i myself am trying to lead a new life.

I should technically be happy.After valentines especially.After all I did find love in MALLULAND(minus the oil,body hair and the georgian moustache!).
But i miss everything as usual but this time with a renewed sense of missation.

No one even bothers asking "MISHAL, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?"
Well, soon MISHAL will even cease to exist...

YES! I AM DEPRESSED and I need to go to rehab or something...

It is amazing to realize that if i rewind my life back by just 12 months the only worry i had was "Will i flunk the boards?" for which i usually replied as "Big deal...what happens then,max to max i get thrown outta home!"
I had an amzing life...amazing friends...amazing(????)gal...lived with my parents...ate sexy food...smoked tasty cigarettes...drank seldom.

PRESENT DAY SCENARIO : I want a life(not even amazing one, i am a humble dude), DO my buddies even remember, nice gal (she reads this she gonna kill me....im lyin sweety,for sympathy),parents live in another country,dont eat often,smokin beedi's on days and to top it all off - I am turning into an alcoholic!

I am a typical poster boy...only for those posters saying before/after and that too in the one's warning people about deadly diseases.

I was jus bugged with life and wanted to take it out...
SO i wrote a load of crap...

MeE

JB signin off...

kudos to lovers..!

The sky is blue, the sunshine's bright, the grass looks greener, the tulips sings louder, as the rose awaits his lover to be picked.....
The nature enjoys every moment despite all the hardships being in inflicted upon by unforgiving mankind through industrial and mechanical work, but the nature believes that life goes on..
changing tracks...
It was 5 in the evening as we sat in room no. 405 discussing the plans for 14th of February. I remembered my friends birthday, a breath beside me spoke out Valentines Day...
A day for the couples to celebrate, to party, to encourage their relationship further into the deep ocean of love. The tables are set with a lighted candle, delicious Italian cuisine, a beautiful greeting, a soothing music, backless - netted glittered red gown,and lots & lots of love.
It is not necessary to celebrate the day with the opposite sex, its a day to live with love, look at the world with love, look at your life with love, pray for love and hope for love... hope to be loved in order to succeed some day in life.
I feel sorry for this day on behalf of certain friends who lost their love due to some bitter misunderstandings or due to the nature of any one counterpart. It is nothing to repent as life always goes on....
There is one thing that has to be kept in mind that always know the person before you love him. Love at first sight is never a true love, its a love with looks, love of the beauty displayed or love with the money. A guy says i love her so much that i can never think wrong about her even after the f***kn breakup, but ever wondered what the female has the feeling about you...
know the person, talk to him to find out her character, attitude, nature and what is inside for you, its my word that you will never be heart broken ever again... if......

On Behalf of 'Smoked SoulS ' wish u all a very

'''***HAPPY VALENTINES DAY***'''

does everything need a title..

Am I the only one who cares so much in this world?

Am I the only person who has all the feelings in the world?

Have I signed some kind of a contract to feel for everyone?

Does my aim/motto "live for someone" is rubbish?

shouldn't I think of myself i.e me.....
.....

The 10 degree temperature feels nothing with only a nylon on the body. Do I deserve all this for my deeds?

The worst thing a person can do is to misunderstand a broken heart's feelings, killing the left over emotions, licking off the remaining puss from the bleeding heart.

What if I do all this? Don't I deserve to be hanged.... die a lone death..?

It feels as I'm the only one caring in this world. Isn't these signs of selfishness?

I don't know for what reason do i have the right to exist in this world?

Do i not deserve the punishments of Auschwitz?

Do i not deserve to lie down of bed of thorns?

Do i not deserve to face the mouth of a blasting cannon?

I disregarded the feelings of a friend. I have played on the minds of the friend...

Do i know my limits of friendship?

Am i interfering in someone else's life?

Is my approach to achieve my aim totally wrong?

Why do i always think what others think of me?

will my questions be answered any day?

Today i ask this due to a cause.. I have disregarded a friends feelings for his ex- girl.

now,
Do i have a right opinion about females?

Should my friend love a female who hasn't thought for him for a jiffy after breakup?

Why does a guy miss things for his whole life while a female doesn't?

If female hearts are so stubborn how can they be future mothers?

Is a guy dud to miss his girl after breakup?

Should a guy keep thinking about his ex-girl?

All the hardships, the agony, the tensions, drugs, smoke cannabis.. for a girls lost memories.....

Why does a guy still think good of that female?

will my questions be ever answered?
will my lone soul ever rest in peace?

or I'll die with the quizzes unanswered...

will i ever find a heart to answer these questions?
or is it...
that i have no right to question all this?

It remains a big Question....??

logging off...
mE 'n Ma loNe souL

soul needs peace..

soul needs harmony..

soul needs prosperity..

soul needs comfort...

but the world gives nothing to this lone soul.....