11th July...

..sitting in this dark room, working on the power generated by the battery backup, I wonder how life has once again come to a standstill, my life hasn’t yet evolve from the depression and sorrow.. time and again the depression falls over and once again I’m forced to look back at the condition of the soul..

..browsing through the pages of my diary I came across an entry dated 2nd July 2006.. I couldn’t control my emotions as I felt helpless and pathetic..

..scrolling the pointer over the extreme right of the windows taskbar the small pop-up reads.. July 11 2007..
Again I’m seated in the same room, the same old torn bed with the mosquito net hanging over head, the sight itself speaking of its poverty, the only thing different is the technological notebook replacing the ever faithful papyrus and ink. I stare at my injured fingers as my eyes strain at the dim light of this technological output, wondering whether I deserve this pattern of living life or it’s only my imagination that takes me so far in the world of philosophy.
I wonder..

During the course of this whole year there has been a significant change on the condition of my physical health, I never recovered after marginally surviving a severe sun stroke. I feel extremely weak and pathetic every second I breath, every cell of the body cries foul of pain, weakness and stress.
This is the only change visible as I wonder at the changes during the entire year, seated here 25 km from the main city at a remote village here in the north eastern state of India.

“ zindagi ne zindagi bhar gham diye..”(song from the Bollywood blockbuster ’The Train’) rings into my ears from the background as I continue hitting in to this techno output with the watery eyes longing for joy and happiness. The tear glands seem to be used to the frequent supply of fluid to the eyes, as it burns no more even after long hours of mourning. I fear the extinction of my tears as the nutrition doesn’t seem good enough to completely satisfy the working of the normal biological cycles inside my clay model.

With the physical condition almost barring the very actual existence of the soul, the effluents of hardship and torture show no signs of relief and continue flow in defying all the laws of Bernoulli’s.

I never even imagined that life might be so unforgiving and relentless, being brought up in an environment with all the luxuries and facilities of life.
I realize that being in an environment of sentimental peace, emotional fulfillment and mental harmony is the only true luxury of life.

All the wealth and money seems a waste when my heart starts pumping faster than normal as I recall, review my state of life. The bleeding arteries have no respite in spite of the pockets being enriched in the essence of the local currency.

One might feel that I shall look forward in life leaving behind the dreadful past but unfortunately there is a blank space in front my eyes to stare into.
..time and again the present condition of the soul forces my little imagination to ponder over my state of life.. blunting the bleeding arteries and flooding the eyes with the tears of blood..

I fear to lose my emotions one day.. I fear to be parted with my feelings some day.. I fear that hours of depression have an adverse and permanent effect on the psychology of my miniature thinking factory.
I fear the day when my friend drags me along to put me behind the bars of the mentally challenged cell.

Whatever be the condition..
..eventually I have one last appeal, one last hope, one last favor to be asked, remember me, keep me posted, so that one day I might recover..

Signing off,
mE ‘n mA LonE souL