..thoughts

The dew quietly appears on the rear of the two- wheeler parked outside while I look down to men partially covered hovering around the place hoping to bring their wives some goods to be prepared for the night meal.
The fifth page on my daily newspaper read about the LGBT’s (i.e. lesbian, Gay, bi sexual and transgender), it’s quite uncommon to have such things on an Indian newspaper. It was a fabulous punch on the faces of those who talk about the so called Indian Culture. Is there a difference between the sexuality depicted in the western scriptures and those carved out in Khajuraho. It is to be noted that Khajuraho is a place in India with ancient carvings and artistic impressions on rocks portraying men and women in intimate positions with almost all the women semi nude.
Is this the ‘Indian Culture’ being talked about??
I mean it’s looks so pathetic when some ‘Indians’ posing themselves as the saviours of the nation talk about banning pubs, clubs, parties etc.. I mean when your own ancestors had no shame in displaying their women semi nude in public, which culture do you talk about to save?? I mean where’s the point of a western effect, when the entire tradition is purely Indian!!
I turned over, to reach the seventh page of my morning daily, the contents their read nothing but about the filthy ad cheap regional and caste politics that’s prevailing in the country. The western India seems to elate itself from the northerners, while those in the south consider themselves a completely different breed of human beings. I mean you cannot accept your own selves within your own boundaries, how do you expect to gain respect on foreign lands.
It’s quite deserving for the Indians to be treated the way they are being in places like Australia and England. I mean if you don’t respect your own self, if you don’t recognise your own people, if you try to differentiate in your own backyard, u eventually reap the way you sow. Isn’t it fascinating to see how god gives back to every one in his own special ways.

After quite an hour of criticism and sarcasm, I stepped out for a cup of tea to the nearest tea stall. Only to witness a young women at the top of her voice arguing over a penny with the grocer shop owner. Is shouting in public, shopping at road sides, hurdling through a group of men for a petty return, embarrassing your own dignity and self respect by staging a mockery of your personal matters on television shows (a reality TV show with a judge hearing cases of house hold matters, went on air few days back) the only way to assert women empowerment, and if all this is non – objectionable then why criticize cases of eve- teasing, molesting, rape etc.. when theirs an open invitation to carry out such acts, from all those women trying to empower themselves. aha!! even a fresh piece of bread certainly gets rotten if placed un attended in the open air..

Things apart, bickering about such issues just increases the hate percentage I have been carrying for this place since four years, with the clock standing at ninety degrees, an after thought flashed through that none of these issues could ever help me out personally in my career prospects.

How sarcastic by this time many would say, ‘now the dawg has come to his point’..
I’m almost at the end of my four year stint at my current learning school, with a mixed bag of reactions and memories throughout the learning period. I wonder whether this gamble of USD 10000 would ever pay – off. The whole game of engineering is just like a game of cards. The Ace of investment and the kings of attendances stick together always hoping for the queen of placement to have the final world. I believe these women are always deceiving, even in a game of cards.

Moving on, I just returned the other day from a local Pathology Test , after a doctor in his late 50’s diagnosed me of certain ailments, I last read about in my grade 12 Biology Handbook. The doctor was quite an enthusiast. He stepped upon his gear as I stepped upon my pocket. For each currency note he exchanged a new ailment, I was happy to learn that the whole transaction lasted only a mere three currency notes.

The whole bag of the four year memories have nothing than an ailment and a new blog. Wonder is this also a part of graduation??
I wonder how to evolve from this dreadrous routine of my life. The entire four years had nothing except a bowl of secrets and sorrows, a million un answered queries, filthy catfights, bitchy friendship feuds etc.
This is what I carry in the name of knowledge and experience with a very minute technical understanding after the completion of my degree course.

Looking at the world around me, every single being has a definite aim for his/her life, or rather a planned cause for which they are working and in the midst lies a ‘me’ who keeps sailing his little ferry of life in the pacific, only in hope to reach the west bound land rather than the Bermuda Triangle.

A faithful friend had rung me up the other day discussing one of my old written blogs. They say I am the worst pessimistic ever born on Earth. She figured it right, that the smile worn over my face veils a trillion facts buried behind. An hour of conversation made me realise, that it’s high time to find a solution for these unending blogs.
Why can’t I lead a real happy life from the depth of my heart??

..with all these happening around and yet many more to happen I’ll certainly be back...
t’ll then..

peace!!

mE ‘n mA LonE soUL

Unchanging Realities

yo !

I’m back at the temple ringing the bells, it’s quite a resemblance they do that every morning and evening and I cry the same foul from dawn to dusk. Amidst some old fashioned Indian (rather bollywood) music, I lay stretched 6ft long wondering that whether any of this would help my prospects of future (I have changed yea ?? I have started thinking differently !!).
Changing tracks, let me look through my days routine, get up in the noon after a long torturous night have a smoke sit around have another cigarette, get some kind of a little refreshment from the nearest snack point, then have another smoke, keep lying on the bed, by the time it’s some thing like six or half past five by now, then switch on to some sad Indian melodies have another one or two rounds of smoke and then it’s time that the digestive system no longer accepts any more smoke signaling for something nutritious. A few faithful hop around at my place by that time to prepare dinner, there’s little time to brag around with them until they bid a sweet adieu for another long unending night and a rather extending day light.

hmph... watt a dayy !!

There seems to be a weird air around, something extremely boring, something really numb. I have really lost the lust of my life. I mean there’s nothing that seems to please me, I get stuck at things for no reason, I have lost the thing to enjoy certain moment, I really feel alienated (dunno some even called me by the name alien).
There seems to be nothing that’s working out right, I mean what do I actually expect from myself, my life, my peers, I dunno ??
I mean why do I rather expect something from some one else in the first place ?? I mean is it something that’s naturally in every being or is it that I have developed something extra-ordinary (proving to be an alien ?? dunno ).
I mean am I some kind a real messiah or something that I do all the good things for every one and get nothing in returns ?? I guess the obvious answer remains nay, then why am I like this ?? I mean is there something that’s really gone wrong inside me that needs some kind of a treatment.

Things apart…

I remember my English teacher in school she was like empty vessels make more noise, I guess it’s certainly not noise but definitely creates a vacuum for all the craps to grow up. (I thought it requires a moist environment for the fungus to prosper I guess the brain cells secrete some kind of a substance when being lonely creating some kind of a virtual marsh land.)
Voila !! Certainly this may be the reason that an individual cries alone !! (Always).
Talking to people over the phone, they keep repeating the same old chants. “wa happened ?? Why do you think negative ?? Be happy every thing will be alright …”

Be happy… for what ??

Happy for deceiving the family, happy for being a total loser, happy for being cornered by every one for every simple reason, happy for being hated the most among friends, happy for being one with all the problems, happy for being alone …??

Be happy… for what ??

Well I can be happy for being gifted by god all the facilities, luxuries, all of those things of which (in the present scenario) a millions in this world are deprived off. I thank my Lord from the depth of my heart for all that (I mean not as a consolation),
But is that all ?? (Forgive me O’ Lord for anything wrong).

Coming to the point…
Deep inside if every one remains true to one self, none of the above mentioned reasons can be lied. I remember saying that to a friend, I guess there is everything that remains, good or bad, in some arteries of the heart, the happenings keep pumping again and again. There may be some who certainly don’t realize it, but it remains.
I mean all that has taken place between any two or three or more, it might me forgotten for the moment or overnight but eventually or rather practically there is nothing that fades out forever not even after death. If it would have been, there wouldn’t have existed what we know as memories.


Anyway the matters seem to grow worse day by day, as I say that I wished I had another cigarette to end this painful journey, at least for the moment. I hope there is some kind of an angel revelation to help me recover out of this state. I hope I don’t die a painful Smokey death.
But for the moment, I remember a famous quote “A friend in need is a friend Indeed”… I certainly need a friend at least for the moment, a friend…

….
mE ‘n mA lonE SouL

Confession

eyy !!

It’s been time since I last sat down, draped in the curtains of pain and guilt, I’m the same even again. Lightening never strikes twice they.. i dunno .. I don’t even happen to be a German to survive the strike at an alarming seven times !!
..probably there has been some kind of genetic malfunction inside me..
well might be, probably for a hundred trillion reasons (why not ?? When there can be a hundred million for an ordinary condom !!).
Taking an overview at the conditions there have been certain awful but certainly most interesting observations. It seems time has repeated itself again, I have returned to my original music play list (u might have got it..), I have the same feelings same old opinions about life, same old baby cry’, same old kiddy problems, same…
Voila !! There’s one thing that’s changed, I have replaced my drawer cum ash tray arrangement with an ash tray !! ( got some cash nowadays..)
Dragging along with the same old problems (everyone quite aware of that), a plenty more have got themselves attached on to the back, pulverizing the already fractured shoulders.(dunno.. seems to be some kind of a festive offer !! Buy 1 Get 5 Free !! hah..)
humph.. There seems to be no real future due to the ongoing global recession, (“– President Barack Obama is laboring to persuade the American people of the need for a virtually unprecedented $827 billion measure to resuscitate an economy he accuses the Bush administration of smothering.”). The President seems to be getting “Indian” playing the blame game. Let’s hope this money helps we suffering “professionals”(hoping to be one in near future.)
Moving Away, the heart no more seems to be forgive, to live a deceiving life. I don’t know the question lies for how many days is this going to work out ?? For how long do I keep saying that life goes on !! ( i guess there’s no exponential that’s forever..).
I mean for how long do I mock around with my family ?? For how long do I live cursing myself in this manner?? For how long does every f***n effort go in vain ?? For how long…
Life goes on.. Yea !! Absolutely right but isn’t it true that there is every thing that stays, I mean it remains haunting some where, consciously or un consciously, it stays, it has tit’s own effects, own consequences.. I mean everything about, everything that happens in everyday life, matters with family, friends or just any one.. be it any one..
Talked about the recession previously I think instead of blaming the conditions the truth lies that there is a real lack of potential basically within myself that arouses all kinds of suspicion in mind ?? Isn’t it ??
Nothing seems to be working out right.. I dunno.. My friend says everything will be alright ?? Let’s hope that he has the word’s of an angel !!
dunno.. they say there’s always some level of “god” in every individual (dunno.. I hope I don’t disregard my faith.)
As mentioned earlier it’s the guilt that has forced me again to return to this state..
This might seem a pretty weird but some replies and some truths might help the ailing mental state..
I dunno..
Just forgive me for everything that has gone wrong just because of me, forgive me for every instant that’s gone down cuz’ of me, forgive me for all the problems caused due to me….
Forgive me for being a coward, for being selfish, for being mean, for being arrogant, for being possessive, for being this philosophical, for over reacting, for over caring, for being proud, for expecting returns for the minute things done, for the lies, for the truths, for being a hypocrite, for everything.. just everything ..
Pardon me ppl !! And hope that my Lord does the same with me ..

Signing off..
mE ‘n mA lonE SouL