YESTERDAY
Another normal day...go to college one hour late...bunk the last hour...pick up some whisky and biryani on the way back home...get to the apartment and start eating...then go on get drunk...all normal...then we decide to go to the french classes.All this going great...
On the way down in the lift...a female friend of mine goes like "I wanna sit in the front of the seat"
HUH???!
Then after a 50m sprint to the car i manage to reach the door of the front seat...
Then begins the bitchfight.
GIRL:"Why the fuck do u have to sit in the front seat?U always do so...i never make an issue..." yadayadayadayada
MeE: "Dont FUCKIn tell me you dont make a FUCKIN issue...FUCK SHIT!FUCK you!IF u want the FUCKIN front seat just tell me that...dont FUCK around with me..."
GIRL:"I want the Front seat."
MeE(FUCK!i did not expect that !!!!):"FUCK you!i dont feel like giving you the front seat...why the FUCK should i take shit from you???"
Girl walks away....MeE runs behind her asking her to take the front seat.She doesn't...yells at me outside my apartment complex while all the ladies are staring at MeE and then girl does something very smart.
SHE STARTS CRYING!
Now the ladies stare at MeE as though he has jus finished raping the girl,thrown acid on her face,cut her hair and chopped off her fingers and put em in lil jars.
Thats all cool...dont talk to her whole damn day.Bought one more quarter in the night.Even more chilled.Woke up today morning...went to college.
Sat with the only other girl in college...and then we start talking.As usual around the female species I cease to exist and MeE takes over...
MeE : "You know what...happy people irritate me.Everybody is so genuinely happy these days.Aren't there any nice depressed people who i can actually connect with?And the only people who are unhappy is only u and me..."
response.....
GIRL#2: START CRYING LIKE A BABY
MeE : @###@$#@@@#!!%^
I just dont get it.... i swear...I just dont...
MeE
JB signin off...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
...
DISCLAIMER: honourable readers and well wishers it's to be noted that the last entry is a sequel of the entry "11th july"....
... bear in mind...
gud luk!!
mE 'n mA lonE souL
... bear in mind...
gud luk!!
mE 'n mA lonE souL
Time and Again..
The blue striped white concrete structure, boasts of its development and glory as I walk past it day by day wondering at the aspects of the happenings of the entire day.
It’s not fun but it’s these man made creations that encloses the lecture halls concerning my engineering career.
Walking lonely around the campus has become yet another routine of this lone soul.
The Nescafe parlor has lost it’s glory and the ill fated peer group never seems to mature out of the little difference’s that exist as a part of this roller coaster life. Even the most intimate homosexuals quarrel along some times in life..
We are normal Homo sapiens after all..
The ruptured nerves of the brain, no more allows it to think normally. Straying from the normal mood, out of the blue thoughts and much more.. is quite normal
The capillaries were busy intoxicated with this enigma that the sudden rush of blood almost led to a total collapse.
I was made clear that whatever be the condition, their would be no help, no attention, no inquiry of my state before the prescribed date, in simple words I would be attended by my guardian for any possible problems only after a month at any cost.
By know it was crystal clear that the soul had to manage all the living accompanied by all the mental atrocities by its own.
A month deadline..
..no hearing before that at any possible cost..
All these seems a pretty awkward and awful when spoken about outside, as these things are the hardest to imagine even in the worst of circumstances. All kudos to philosophy that it made me imagine even these moments long before they were expected to occur.
For the first time in these years I could justify my comments on my loneliness. I could justify my thoughts, my feelings..
..it’s not all philosophy..
‘the misfortune’ .. ’the atrocities’ .. ’the hardships’ .. all these words had meaning, it wasn’t all just a fairytale..
Even my last hope, the clutches of a handicap, the last pill, has left me at my own peril. The person I thought to be the eventual support in these times has left me due to some unknown misunderstanding.
Do I deserve this treatment?
Till date only ogre’s were felt to be avoided and meant to be discarded from the normal living society, and they were ill treated in all times. Wonder if I’m a creature even worse than those thought to be existed once?
Wonder what makes me so un acceptable among people?
Wonder if I’m wrong every time everywhere?
It’s these bare truths of my life that has never allowed me even a jiffy of eternal peace and joy in this world.
The worldly happiness just scroll through my door steps arbitrarily, probably virtually as if making fun of my lonely, unforgiving life.
Even the best of the deeds have failed to bring any vital change in the condition of the soul.
Wonder if the world expects still something more from me?
Wonder if there’s anything left within me for this world?
Wonder..
The critics have always accused me of being too close with my peer members rather than my intimate members. I never thought in to this, as all my acts were, according to me within the limits of friendship.
Unfortunately I’m forced to wonder today..
Does true friendship really exists?
It’s the day I wonder whether there exist a person being fit for the most divine but artificial relationship of ‘friendship’.
Wonder is there any real meaning of friendship?
Wondering at these aspects it’s feels even more pathetic to keep existing in this world. Unfortunately, unfortunately life goes on..
On this note I hope I wish I pray for an angels revelation to bring about a change, a renaissance in my life. I hope for a better tomorrow, a better next day, a brighter future..
..I trust you lord..
Signing off
mE ‘n mA LonE souL
It’s not fun but it’s these man made creations that encloses the lecture halls concerning my engineering career.
Walking lonely around the campus has become yet another routine of this lone soul.
The Nescafe parlor has lost it’s glory and the ill fated peer group never seems to mature out of the little difference’s that exist as a part of this roller coaster life. Even the most intimate homosexuals quarrel along some times in life..
We are normal Homo sapiens after all..
The ruptured nerves of the brain, no more allows it to think normally. Straying from the normal mood, out of the blue thoughts and much more.. is quite normal
The capillaries were busy intoxicated with this enigma that the sudden rush of blood almost led to a total collapse.
I was made clear that whatever be the condition, their would be no help, no attention, no inquiry of my state before the prescribed date, in simple words I would be attended by my guardian for any possible problems only after a month at any cost.
By know it was crystal clear that the soul had to manage all the living accompanied by all the mental atrocities by its own.
A month deadline..
..no hearing before that at any possible cost..
All these seems a pretty awkward and awful when spoken about outside, as these things are the hardest to imagine even in the worst of circumstances. All kudos to philosophy that it made me imagine even these moments long before they were expected to occur.
For the first time in these years I could justify my comments on my loneliness. I could justify my thoughts, my feelings..
..it’s not all philosophy..
‘the misfortune’ .. ’the atrocities’ .. ’the hardships’ .. all these words had meaning, it wasn’t all just a fairytale..
Even my last hope, the clutches of a handicap, the last pill, has left me at my own peril. The person I thought to be the eventual support in these times has left me due to some unknown misunderstanding.
Do I deserve this treatment?
Till date only ogre’s were felt to be avoided and meant to be discarded from the normal living society, and they were ill treated in all times. Wonder if I’m a creature even worse than those thought to be existed once?
Wonder what makes me so un acceptable among people?
Wonder if I’m wrong every time everywhere?
It’s these bare truths of my life that has never allowed me even a jiffy of eternal peace and joy in this world.
The worldly happiness just scroll through my door steps arbitrarily, probably virtually as if making fun of my lonely, unforgiving life.
Even the best of the deeds have failed to bring any vital change in the condition of the soul.
Wonder if the world expects still something more from me?
Wonder if there’s anything left within me for this world?
Wonder..
The critics have always accused me of being too close with my peer members rather than my intimate members. I never thought in to this, as all my acts were, according to me within the limits of friendship.
Unfortunately I’m forced to wonder today..
Does true friendship really exists?
It’s the day I wonder whether there exist a person being fit for the most divine but artificial relationship of ‘friendship’.
Wonder is there any real meaning of friendship?
Wondering at these aspects it’s feels even more pathetic to keep existing in this world. Unfortunately, unfortunately life goes on..
On this note I hope I wish I pray for an angels revelation to bring about a change, a renaissance in my life. I hope for a better tomorrow, a better next day, a brighter future..
..I trust you lord..
Signing off
mE ‘n mA LonE souL
11th July...
..sitting in this dark room, working on the power generated by the battery backup, I wonder how life has once again come to a standstill, my life hasn’t yet evolve from the depression and sorrow.. time and again the depression falls over and once again I’m forced to look back at the condition of the soul..
..browsing through the pages of my diary I came across an entry dated 2nd July 2006.. I couldn’t control my emotions as I felt helpless and pathetic..
..scrolling the pointer over the extreme right of the windows taskbar the small pop-up reads.. July 11 2007..
Again I’m seated in the same room, the same old torn bed with the mosquito net hanging over head, the sight itself speaking of its poverty, the only thing different is the technological notebook replacing the ever faithful papyrus and ink. I stare at my injured fingers as my eyes strain at the dim light of this technological output, wondering whether I deserve this pattern of living life or it’s only my imagination that takes me so far in the world of philosophy.
I wonder..
During the course of this whole year there has been a significant change on the condition of my physical health, I never recovered after marginally surviving a severe sun stroke. I feel extremely weak and pathetic every second I breath, every cell of the body cries foul of pain, weakness and stress.
This is the only change visible as I wonder at the changes during the entire year, seated here 25 km from the main city at a remote village here in the north eastern state of India.
“ zindagi ne zindagi bhar gham diye..”(song from the Bollywood blockbuster ’The Train’) rings into my ears from the background as I continue hitting in to this techno output with the watery eyes longing for joy and happiness. The tear glands seem to be used to the frequent supply of fluid to the eyes, as it burns no more even after long hours of mourning. I fear the extinction of my tears as the nutrition doesn’t seem good enough to completely satisfy the working of the normal biological cycles inside my clay model.
With the physical condition almost barring the very actual existence of the soul, the effluents of hardship and torture show no signs of relief and continue flow in defying all the laws of Bernoulli’s.
I never even imagined that life might be so unforgiving and relentless, being brought up in an environment with all the luxuries and facilities of life.
I realize that being in an environment of sentimental peace, emotional fulfillment and mental harmony is the only true luxury of life.
All the wealth and money seems a waste when my heart starts pumping faster than normal as I recall, review my state of life. The bleeding arteries have no respite in spite of the pockets being enriched in the essence of the local currency.
One might feel that I shall look forward in life leaving behind the dreadful past but unfortunately there is a blank space in front my eyes to stare into.
..time and again the present condition of the soul forces my little imagination to ponder over my state of life.. blunting the bleeding arteries and flooding the eyes with the tears of blood..
I fear to lose my emotions one day.. I fear to be parted with my feelings some day.. I fear that hours of depression have an adverse and permanent effect on the psychology of my miniature thinking factory.
I fear the day when my friend drags me along to put me behind the bars of the mentally challenged cell.
Whatever be the condition..
..eventually I have one last appeal, one last hope, one last favor to be asked, remember me, keep me posted, so that one day I might recover..
Signing off,
mE ‘n mA LonE souL
..browsing through the pages of my diary I came across an entry dated 2nd July 2006.. I couldn’t control my emotions as I felt helpless and pathetic..
..scrolling the pointer over the extreme right of the windows taskbar the small pop-up reads.. July 11 2007..
Again I’m seated in the same room, the same old torn bed with the mosquito net hanging over head, the sight itself speaking of its poverty, the only thing different is the technological notebook replacing the ever faithful papyrus and ink. I stare at my injured fingers as my eyes strain at the dim light of this technological output, wondering whether I deserve this pattern of living life or it’s only my imagination that takes me so far in the world of philosophy.
I wonder..
During the course of this whole year there has been a significant change on the condition of my physical health, I never recovered after marginally surviving a severe sun stroke. I feel extremely weak and pathetic every second I breath, every cell of the body cries foul of pain, weakness and stress.
This is the only change visible as I wonder at the changes during the entire year, seated here 25 km from the main city at a remote village here in the north eastern state of India.
“ zindagi ne zindagi bhar gham diye..”(song from the Bollywood blockbuster ’The Train’) rings into my ears from the background as I continue hitting in to this techno output with the watery eyes longing for joy and happiness. The tear glands seem to be used to the frequent supply of fluid to the eyes, as it burns no more even after long hours of mourning. I fear the extinction of my tears as the nutrition doesn’t seem good enough to completely satisfy the working of the normal biological cycles inside my clay model.
With the physical condition almost barring the very actual existence of the soul, the effluents of hardship and torture show no signs of relief and continue flow in defying all the laws of Bernoulli’s.
I never even imagined that life might be so unforgiving and relentless, being brought up in an environment with all the luxuries and facilities of life.
I realize that being in an environment of sentimental peace, emotional fulfillment and mental harmony is the only true luxury of life.
All the wealth and money seems a waste when my heart starts pumping faster than normal as I recall, review my state of life. The bleeding arteries have no respite in spite of the pockets being enriched in the essence of the local currency.
One might feel that I shall look forward in life leaving behind the dreadful past but unfortunately there is a blank space in front my eyes to stare into.
..time and again the present condition of the soul forces my little imagination to ponder over my state of life.. blunting the bleeding arteries and flooding the eyes with the tears of blood..
I fear to lose my emotions one day.. I fear to be parted with my feelings some day.. I fear that hours of depression have an adverse and permanent effect on the psychology of my miniature thinking factory.
I fear the day when my friend drags me along to put me behind the bars of the mentally challenged cell.
Whatever be the condition..
..eventually I have one last appeal, one last hope, one last favor to be asked, remember me, keep me posted, so that one day I might recover..
Signing off,
mE ‘n mA LonE souL
Life at IU
17th July 2006
16:35 (local time)
..through the lush green fields, 13 miles from the main city, the red burnt bricks laid on the path leading into the entrance of the 3 storey, flower domed monument… my eyes scrolled through the piece of paper in my hand …. New Boys Hostel, IU….
The Chief warden ringed a warm welcome as I stood in front him for the allotment of my room, I was numbered 405, my IQ calculated, I was the 1215th accused entering the premises, with three thrown into each cell(room)…
The first month went by in light of the autumn leaves, it flew with the dry plant protrudes in a nowhere land. I sat hours in memories of my lost birth land, my colleagues, my family, my ‘friends’..
..sleepless nights and the broken heart cried the distance from life long pals, café’s, billiard points, not to forget my lovely lane, my lovely locality, my favorite lamp post..
..missing the cigarette points, the coaching classes, the snack point, the personal teenage scuffles, the pledges to keep the spirit of friendship alive, the wait for one(who would always be late…), the conclusion of the day, the beginning of a new morning, the hello’s the good bye’s..
Fellows(MEe) advised me to cope with the situation keeping in mind the fact that “some things in life can never be helped, even if causes all the pain and suffering..”
..walking on the path of building up a new life, a new beginning , a new climax, a new web of my complex life, I started a life..
The main reason behind me avoiding the interaction with fellow room mates, “I really hate the cheap, fucking Indian mentality..”. I hated it then, I hate it know.. I didn’t even thought them to be humans, wonder when did I develop this ego..? Or Does this place deserve this treatment..?
Wonder…
..wondering at these aspects I gradually begun at the path of my life..
.. In no time we friends began a life at this place, we(9 of us..), facing the atrocities inflicted upon the so called “seniors”, and coping with the tough engineering course..
My peer group was pretty ambitious, forceful, adventurous, and only within two months pledged to be together for the entire period of the course(4 years). It grew quiet steadily at an alarmingly large pace. Philosophers believe “great beginnings have glimmer endings”….
I never wanted to think upon this matter but again “some things in life can never be helped…..”
It was mid September , the winters had just begun and we were off to a trip to the historic Indian city of ‘Rampur’ famous for its weapons and armory during the ancient times and known as the land of ‘Azam Khan ‘ the modern active political leader of the area.
All this had nothing to do a great deal with our trip, we just had plans for a visit to the home of one of our fellow mates .
It was a tiring journey of more than 6 hours through the plains of northern India, my first journey on the train without my family. The train arrived at the station late by 3 hours as I waited blatantly with my new peer group. It was all normal until we met a group of females planned to traverse the same distance as us.
We belonged to the same college, so introduction had no meaning. After a long wait the tracks rattled beneath at the arrival of the train and we boarded a pretty busy compartment. It was a joyous time as we traversed along singing, chatting and having loads of fun.. It felt like college life had begun..
The journey was quiet successful and enjoyable but had a last long effect on the mind of the fellas. Two of them immediately fell in love with the females we went along.
Night long phone chats, frequent visit to the malls and theaters and lovely college evenings.. They felt as if they have attained their heaven. By god’s sake they never knew that it would a short and bitter ending., but I always predicted their fate… I was mocked
..time had come that the lovers returned to me with a broken heart and lost memories..
This fellow changed entirely after this incident, he broke down to an extent that he completely lost the feelings and trust on any individual. He feared to be deceived once again..
A little chat with me.. I said “ buddy have faith..”
Its that day and this that we have come so close that probably our existence depend upon each other. The latter might not have the same feelings but I do. Only after this was I able to express my true feelings living in India. I got an excuse to live on at this place after all the difficulties and hardships. I got an angels revelation that life is not easy all the times, it has its own ups ad downs..
..It made me wonder how a soul could be living after all these agony without smoke or elixir..
All this and many more let me continue, here at the IU.
The days passed along happily with every new morning having a different flavor to enlighten the growing roots of the relationship. The life at the campus improved at the right pace with we having gatherings at the in situ food point or the quiet popular NescafeÓ parlor.
New relationships were being developed and fresh colleagues entered our peer group, providing further enthusiasm and joy. Their arrival pretty much helped the sex ratio in our group which was much one sided until then.
Days went by with certain of them going down our own personal history records, like the 13 September birthday bash or the memories of the ragging time that had been stopped.
..we now awaited the much anticipated ‘fresher’s party’ at our hostel..
18th February
12:00 am
I slipped the sharp knife past the chocolate creamed 5 storey cake as I celebrated my 18th birthday on the stage of the fresher’s carnival. It was quiet a pleasure amidst a decent crowd to celebrate on the centre stage. This was probably one of the best times in my short stand at the IU hostel.
One of them came on the eve of 14th February while celebrating the birthday of a fellow friend. I succeeded in providing him the best of surprise through his gift.. I rejoiced as he rendered the beautiful moment.
For the first time my heart told me that I had done a favor to someone.
The moments were filled with gay as we danced the whole night..
The days passed along happily and probably swiftly. Witnessing the successful conclusion of Campus Fiesta - 07 we replenished the moments we spent together and hoped that one day the pages of history would be turned for the moments to be lived again.
All this but I never felt secure at this place. Small bitter quarrels with the fellows came to be the shadow of my life at the hostel, except for the fellow who inspired me to live on until things be your way..
I really never relished the fun to the depth of my heart.. I always missed my birth land..
..for the all the happiness lived only a short moment for me..
I lived every moment with a hope to reunite with my birth land..
I remember the moment I sat helpless at room 403 crying at my fate, I felt helpless and pathetic with this portal being my only support, I sat down weeping at my study table penning down the voice of my heart…
I remember the Sundays that seemed to be the paths of hell..
..all the joy happiness never lived longed for me, I felt cheated and left alone even in the group of 11..
..probably eleven would have been unlucky for me, but I never knew…
My life at this place was a continuous struggle between my thoughts and my works as I never attained the peace of mind.
Looking back at the pages of history, I wonder why didn’t I ever enjoy the moments of joy to its full?
.. An old query popped up,
Am I psychopathic?
Leaving behind the matters of my life I thought to live on at this place for the sake of a friend, until..
There came a night that a few drunken seniors entered our room. There was an old rivalry on. They abused my friend badly and bruised him as we watched helplessly…
This really was an end to the thoughts of being together when no one came forward in the rescue of a fellow colleague being bruised in spite of we being in so many numbers.
The pledge of being together no longer held the truth, the trust had been lifted upon, the spirit of oneness no longer lived.. There was no point to live know as feelings of bitterness had developed among selves..
25th April 2007
..the day when I and him decided to leave the hostel..
..we left the hostel and the peer group at their own peril and headed on for a different new life in the city. I really never liked the place but it mattered for my friend as he had different plans for beautiful and fruitful hostel life.
Once again.. “some things in life can never be helped..”
The life took a dramatic change with different routine probably giving better times to both of us..
..and I hope that live on in a better way to revive the ways of life and live on in the hope to reunite the smoked souls and be happy ever again…
Signing off..
mE ‘n mA lonE soUl
16:35 (local time)
..through the lush green fields, 13 miles from the main city, the red burnt bricks laid on the path leading into the entrance of the 3 storey, flower domed monument… my eyes scrolled through the piece of paper in my hand …. New Boys Hostel, IU….
The Chief warden ringed a warm welcome as I stood in front him for the allotment of my room, I was numbered 405, my IQ calculated, I was the 1215th accused entering the premises, with three thrown into each cell(room)…
The first month went by in light of the autumn leaves, it flew with the dry plant protrudes in a nowhere land. I sat hours in memories of my lost birth land, my colleagues, my family, my ‘friends’..
..sleepless nights and the broken heart cried the distance from life long pals, café’s, billiard points, not to forget my lovely lane, my lovely locality, my favorite lamp post..
..missing the cigarette points, the coaching classes, the snack point, the personal teenage scuffles, the pledges to keep the spirit of friendship alive, the wait for one(who would always be late…), the conclusion of the day, the beginning of a new morning, the hello’s the good bye’s..
Fellows(MEe) advised me to cope with the situation keeping in mind the fact that “some things in life can never be helped, even if causes all the pain and suffering..”
..walking on the path of building up a new life, a new beginning , a new climax, a new web of my complex life, I started a life..
The main reason behind me avoiding the interaction with fellow room mates, “I really hate the cheap, fucking Indian mentality..”. I hated it then, I hate it know.. I didn’t even thought them to be humans, wonder when did I develop this ego..? Or Does this place deserve this treatment..?
Wonder…
..wondering at these aspects I gradually begun at the path of my life..
.. In no time we friends began a life at this place, we(9 of us..), facing the atrocities inflicted upon the so called “seniors”, and coping with the tough engineering course..
My peer group was pretty ambitious, forceful, adventurous, and only within two months pledged to be together for the entire period of the course(4 years). It grew quiet steadily at an alarmingly large pace. Philosophers believe “great beginnings have glimmer endings”….
I never wanted to think upon this matter but again “some things in life can never be helped…..”
It was mid September , the winters had just begun and we were off to a trip to the historic Indian city of ‘Rampur’ famous for its weapons and armory during the ancient times and known as the land of ‘Azam Khan ‘ the modern active political leader of the area.
All this had nothing to do a great deal with our trip, we just had plans for a visit to the home of one of our fellow mates .
It was a tiring journey of more than 6 hours through the plains of northern India, my first journey on the train without my family. The train arrived at the station late by 3 hours as I waited blatantly with my new peer group. It was all normal until we met a group of females planned to traverse the same distance as us.
We belonged to the same college, so introduction had no meaning. After a long wait the tracks rattled beneath at the arrival of the train and we boarded a pretty busy compartment. It was a joyous time as we traversed along singing, chatting and having loads of fun.. It felt like college life had begun..
The journey was quiet successful and enjoyable but had a last long effect on the mind of the fellas. Two of them immediately fell in love with the females we went along.
Night long phone chats, frequent visit to the malls and theaters and lovely college evenings.. They felt as if they have attained their heaven. By god’s sake they never knew that it would a short and bitter ending., but I always predicted their fate… I was mocked
..time had come that the lovers returned to me with a broken heart and lost memories..
This fellow changed entirely after this incident, he broke down to an extent that he completely lost the feelings and trust on any individual. He feared to be deceived once again..
A little chat with me.. I said “ buddy have faith..”
Its that day and this that we have come so close that probably our existence depend upon each other. The latter might not have the same feelings but I do. Only after this was I able to express my true feelings living in India. I got an excuse to live on at this place after all the difficulties and hardships. I got an angels revelation that life is not easy all the times, it has its own ups ad downs..
..It made me wonder how a soul could be living after all these agony without smoke or elixir..
All this and many more let me continue, here at the IU.
The days passed along happily with every new morning having a different flavor to enlighten the growing roots of the relationship. The life at the campus improved at the right pace with we having gatherings at the in situ food point or the quiet popular NescafeÓ parlor.
New relationships were being developed and fresh colleagues entered our peer group, providing further enthusiasm and joy. Their arrival pretty much helped the sex ratio in our group which was much one sided until then.
Days went by with certain of them going down our own personal history records, like the 13 September birthday bash or the memories of the ragging time that had been stopped.
..we now awaited the much anticipated ‘fresher’s party’ at our hostel..
18th February
12:00 am
I slipped the sharp knife past the chocolate creamed 5 storey cake as I celebrated my 18th birthday on the stage of the fresher’s carnival. It was quiet a pleasure amidst a decent crowd to celebrate on the centre stage. This was probably one of the best times in my short stand at the IU hostel.
One of them came on the eve of 14th February while celebrating the birthday of a fellow friend. I succeeded in providing him the best of surprise through his gift.. I rejoiced as he rendered the beautiful moment.
For the first time my heart told me that I had done a favor to someone.
The moments were filled with gay as we danced the whole night..
The days passed along happily and probably swiftly. Witnessing the successful conclusion of Campus Fiesta - 07 we replenished the moments we spent together and hoped that one day the pages of history would be turned for the moments to be lived again.
All this but I never felt secure at this place. Small bitter quarrels with the fellows came to be the shadow of my life at the hostel, except for the fellow who inspired me to live on until things be your way..
I really never relished the fun to the depth of my heart.. I always missed my birth land..
..for the all the happiness lived only a short moment for me..
I lived every moment with a hope to reunite with my birth land..
I remember the moment I sat helpless at room 403 crying at my fate, I felt helpless and pathetic with this portal being my only support, I sat down weeping at my study table penning down the voice of my heart…
I remember the Sundays that seemed to be the paths of hell..
..all the joy happiness never lived longed for me, I felt cheated and left alone even in the group of 11..
..probably eleven would have been unlucky for me, but I never knew…
My life at this place was a continuous struggle between my thoughts and my works as I never attained the peace of mind.
Looking back at the pages of history, I wonder why didn’t I ever enjoy the moments of joy to its full?
.. An old query popped up,
Am I psychopathic?
Leaving behind the matters of my life I thought to live on at this place for the sake of a friend, until..
There came a night that a few drunken seniors entered our room. There was an old rivalry on. They abused my friend badly and bruised him as we watched helplessly…
This really was an end to the thoughts of being together when no one came forward in the rescue of a fellow colleague being bruised in spite of we being in so many numbers.
The pledge of being together no longer held the truth, the trust had been lifted upon, the spirit of oneness no longer lived.. There was no point to live know as feelings of bitterness had developed among selves..
25th April 2007
..the day when I and him decided to leave the hostel..
..we left the hostel and the peer group at their own peril and headed on for a different new life in the city. I really never liked the place but it mattered for my friend as he had different plans for beautiful and fruitful hostel life.
Once again.. “some things in life can never be helped..”
The life took a dramatic change with different routine probably giving better times to both of us..
..and I hope that live on in a better way to revive the ways of life and live on in the hope to reunite the smoked souls and be happy ever again…
Signing off..
mE ‘n mA lonE soUl
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Ever Wondered?
... in the times of developments there have been great advances in terms of science & technology, fiction, social sciences, medical sciences, astrophysics, marine biology, and numerous other disciplines... but still there are some queries that remain unanswered for me...
.. the greatest of encyclopedias have failed to come up with a solution to these problems....
Ever wondered...
Half the million population of this world is illiterate, they have no knowledge about the discovery of gravity...
Q: Do their feet float on the Earth surface?
Q: Does it have any effect on their live?
Q: Does it have any effect on their economic strength?
The Books of History have the records of the civilisation till the earliest of records... dating back to even the before Christ era (B.C.)..
Q: Does the study of these civilisations get me a placement in the software firms?
Q: Does these studies have any effect on the present or the future of the coming generations?
Scientists are trying their level best to discover the traces of life in mars?
Q: Is the living earth population not enough to bear and provide its needs and requirements?
Q: Do the starving millions of Africa have any effect on the steps towards the eradication of their poverty?
Browsing through the pages of the daily newspaper some time back, it read "scientists have proposed that there are only eight planets in the solar system, instead of the previous prediction of nine..''
Q: Do the World Problems of land and water solve due to these kind of discoveries?
Q: What is the gain that the scientists have in doing these kind of researches?
Q: Does the fiction by the greatest of writers have any effect on the meaningful world of a man?
I mean his family life, social life, economic strength......
Q: Do all the developments taking place in this world are needed?
Q: Isn't there a need of awareness among the thinkers and developers to take a step forward in matters involving the matters of living.... in spite of collecting the fossil remains of the million year older 'dinosaurs' ( thought to have existed..)
Isn't the world still illiterate in these terms as the greatest of thinkers are unaware of the need of the hour?
changing tracks... matters of the world really don't matter in my personal life, but similar to the above comments.. there are some regarding the real part of personal life.... ( feelings, emotions and me..)
Q: What if I stop thinking about the abnormalities in my life?
Q: What if I stop Blogging?
Q: What if my comments on this portal be devoid of the dots '....' ?
Q: What if my views about the modern love be agreed by the generation of today?
Can't the present teen generation exist without the illicit relationships existing between the opposite sexes today?
Q: What if " this soul walks down the park lane with a girl round my arms''?
There are several unexplored possibilities and exclusive thoughts left unattended in this world which shall be considered in life... to live it to its most away from pain and agony...
These interesting thoughts are the real ingredients towards the development of a great thinker, be it .. addressing the problems of the world or simply making the lives of millions of depressed, easy.
Thoughts really develop the minds, nourish the scope of thinking, broaden the level of understanding, leading in the development of a better individual..
wonder Why do I sound so professional today.... it's time that i have realised the way of living in this world... '' be a professional...''
hope this spirit remains for the coming days before I return to the cobwebs of my distressed web of life....
Before wishing adieu to all give it a thought....
Q: What if I quit smoking?...
signing of..
me 'n mA loNE souL
.. the greatest of encyclopedias have failed to come up with a solution to these problems....
Ever wondered...
Half the million population of this world is illiterate, they have no knowledge about the discovery of gravity...
Q: Do their feet float on the Earth surface?
Q: Does it have any effect on their live?
Q: Does it have any effect on their economic strength?
The Books of History have the records of the civilisation till the earliest of records... dating back to even the before Christ era (B.C.)..
Q: Does the study of these civilisations get me a placement in the software firms?
Q: Does these studies have any effect on the present or the future of the coming generations?
Scientists are trying their level best to discover the traces of life in mars?
Q: Is the living earth population not enough to bear and provide its needs and requirements?
Q: Do the starving millions of Africa have any effect on the steps towards the eradication of their poverty?
Browsing through the pages of the daily newspaper some time back, it read "scientists have proposed that there are only eight planets in the solar system, instead of the previous prediction of nine..''
Q: Do the World Problems of land and water solve due to these kind of discoveries?
Q: What is the gain that the scientists have in doing these kind of researches?
Q: Does the fiction by the greatest of writers have any effect on the meaningful world of a man?
I mean his family life, social life, economic strength......
Q: Do all the developments taking place in this world are needed?
Q: Isn't there a need of awareness among the thinkers and developers to take a step forward in matters involving the matters of living.... in spite of collecting the fossil remains of the million year older 'dinosaurs' ( thought to have existed..)
Q: Does the discoveries of galaxies or the development in the cure of Thalasseimia more important?
Isn't the world still illiterate in these terms as the greatest of thinkers are unaware of the need of the hour?
changing tracks... matters of the world really don't matter in my personal life, but similar to the above comments.. there are some regarding the real part of personal life.... ( feelings, emotions and me..)
Q: What if I stop thinking about the abnormalities in my life?
Q: What if I stop Blogging?
Q: What if my comments on this portal be devoid of the dots '....' ?
Q: What if my views about the modern love be agreed by the generation of today?
Can't the present teen generation exist without the illicit relationships existing between the opposite sexes today?
Q: What if " this soul walks down the park lane with a girl round my arms''?
There are several unexplored possibilities and exclusive thoughts left unattended in this world which shall be considered in life... to live it to its most away from pain and agony...
These interesting thoughts are the real ingredients towards the development of a great thinker, be it .. addressing the problems of the world or simply making the lives of millions of depressed, easy.
Thoughts really develop the minds, nourish the scope of thinking, broaden the level of understanding, leading in the development of a better individual..
wonder Why do I sound so professional today.... it's time that i have realised the way of living in this world... '' be a professional...''
hope this spirit remains for the coming days before I return to the cobwebs of my distressed web of life....
Before wishing adieu to all give it a thought....
Q: What if I quit smoking?...
signing of..
me 'n mA loNE souL
Friday, June 1, 2007
I Love....
...with the End semesters on the head the mind does not allow to think about feelings, emotions but the heart cant wait longer, its time that the heart wishes to be all with me, my pen & my feelings..
Over the days, life has taken a real change around me, a different routine, different people to interact away from the group of batch mates that used to be together.
to me life has changed in a better way, but what's life with complete satisfaction...
...."All that is Gold does not GLITTER".....
"Search for un accomplishments to live on...
Whats the fun in living with all desires fulfilled"
"Har aarzu puri ho to jeene ka kya mazaa...
jeene ke liye ek kami ki talaash kar...."
I never had to search all this, my life runs parallel with the quotes, unfulfilled desires reside by my doorstep...
14051. I was denied a visit to my"homeland" - feels like homeland...
just a simple point out of the endless list (point no. to be noted)...
It was just the other day that i felt i was being used. I never wanted to think on that line, but the heart always wins on commanding the thoughts.
The world never wants to listen to my feelings...
the pen in my hand just gave u, but I wish to continue....
I felt like being taken advantage of my simplicity.. I waited for a friend for long on expense of being questioned at the court of my uncle, my local guardian.
I had done that a million times back home, I got this feeling of being cheated for the first time...
Q: Do people hear don't deserve this treatment?
(OR)
Have I become selfish?
Q: Does only true friend exist...?
..or even true friend's exist..?
lost in the thoughts, i wondered whether my decision to confront with the abnormalities of this place, in this manner was right or wrong?
The fact remains that I have never deceived a souls whom i brought close to my heart..
I don't have the history of changing my minds on people.
I wonder whether the world thought of this part of the friendship?
An applause requires two hands, a beginning needs an end, a relationship requires a couple,
Don't commitment's in friendship be supplied through both the inlet valves?
Why does always one person compromise?
Even fairy tales have it...
"... the dwarfs lived happily ever after after the efforts of the hunter, without which they could never exist in peace and harmony....
..The End.."
I remember reading these lines.. down the lane.....
Q: Can favours done be ever returned...
- favours by god
-favours by parents
-favours by siblings
-favours by friends....
It's only the faith on the friend that has let me live all these years, in spite of the situation being in antonym...
It's this faith that still makes me think.. whenever I sit alone...
Dear Friend,
Over the days, life has taken a real change around me, a different routine, different people to interact away from the group of batch mates that used to be together.
to me life has changed in a better way, but what's life with complete satisfaction...
...."All that is Gold does not GLITTER".....
"Search for un accomplishments to live on...
Whats the fun in living with all desires fulfilled"
"Har aarzu puri ho to jeene ka kya mazaa...
jeene ke liye ek kami ki talaash kar...."
I never had to search all this, my life runs parallel with the quotes, unfulfilled desires reside by my doorstep...
14051. I was denied a visit to my"homeland" - feels like homeland...
just a simple point out of the endless list (point no. to be noted)...
It was just the other day that i felt i was being used. I never wanted to think on that line, but the heart always wins on commanding the thoughts.
The world never wants to listen to my feelings...
the pen in my hand just gave u, but I wish to continue....
I felt like being taken advantage of my simplicity.. I waited for a friend for long on expense of being questioned at the court of my uncle, my local guardian.
I had done that a million times back home, I got this feeling of being cheated for the first time...
Q: Do people hear don't deserve this treatment?
(OR)
Have I become selfish?
Q: Does only true friend exist...?
..or even true friend's exist..?
lost in the thoughts, i wondered whether my decision to confront with the abnormalities of this place, in this manner was right or wrong?
The fact remains that I have never deceived a souls whom i brought close to my heart..
I don't have the history of changing my minds on people.
I wonder whether the world thought of this part of the friendship?
An applause requires two hands, a beginning needs an end, a relationship requires a couple,
Don't commitment's in friendship be supplied through both the inlet valves?
Why does always one person compromise?
Even fairy tales have it...
"... the dwarfs lived happily ever after after the efforts of the hunter, without which they could never exist in peace and harmony....
..The End.."
I remember reading these lines.. down the lane.....
Q: Can favours done be ever returned...
- favours by god
-favours by parents
-favours by siblings
-favours by friends....
It's only the faith on the friend that has let me live all these years, in spite of the situation being in antonym...
It's this faith that still makes me think.. whenever I sit alone...
Dear Friend,
"a footstep has echoed in my dreary room, i don't know who has come in my gloomy room,
..there remains a sense of abode, or who else would in a strange room..
..there is no one in my room yet, i feel i have left a guest in the room,
..the echo of your voice, jingles in my lifeless room..
..hardly do i get a place to sleep, often its filled with your possessions,
the garden were we had strolled, someone has thrown that garden in the room,
this room looks at me and, the pain becomes deeper in this isolated room.."
- itsme
but one thing shall be bear in mind before i call it signing off...
"Har haal mein denge saath aapka..
par..
mere is pyaar ko kamzori na samajhna..."
t'll then
signing off
me 'n mA loNe souL
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Good Afternoon
....
......
........
..........
Life has changed since the last time i had been here..
away from the routine life of the boarding i have at last started to gain momentum towards other concepts of my life. I have succeeded in putting complete brakes on the "unfortunate" routine.
Things have changed then..
friends have come closer... Sundays are not the same... Hours go by like minutes.... in real sense the engine of my life has finally started to crawl on its lines...
I think of the future today as heavy rain pours outside relieving of the severe heat (I suppose).
Wonder how will the End Semesters Examination go by as they wait only two weeks ahead.. lets hope for the best once again for this time...... just like i have kept hoping for the past twelve years of my education.
This is the time that most of the school teens await there fate... the results of their exams...
Down the lane... the moments never went by, the rush of blood almost split the veins.. the arteries seemed to bulge greater than the limb...
that's down the lane....
college results no more create that feeling.... I miss the pain...
The days of schooling...
It's time again that I have started longing for the school days to return back.... 'Old is Gold' they say..
This visit really had no real reason but it doesn't feel like living until I visit this portal frequently and abuse it for my purpose...
It's this portal that seems to never leave me alone, and promises to be together in every circumstances.... I have faith that this shall never deceive...
faith...
never trust.. always have faith...
i was counselling a friend the other day...
Just the simple reason that trust might be broken but faith continues to believe on inspite of all the jeopardy, simply because faith is that power that shall never be broken.
It's this faith that has really helped to overcome my routine life and build the tracks for a brand new journey. Trust would have just left me with scars hanging over a ceiling fan...
it's the faith that makes me remain existing until date.....
It's on this faith that I hope to live on and promise for a better tomorrow.....
hoping to come up with something new in a few days...
signing off
me 'N mA Lone SouL
......
........
..........
Life has changed since the last time i had been here..
away from the routine life of the boarding i have at last started to gain momentum towards other concepts of my life. I have succeeded in putting complete brakes on the "unfortunate" routine.
Things have changed then..
friends have come closer... Sundays are not the same... Hours go by like minutes.... in real sense the engine of my life has finally started to crawl on its lines...
I think of the future today as heavy rain pours outside relieving of the severe heat (I suppose).
Wonder how will the End Semesters Examination go by as they wait only two weeks ahead.. lets hope for the best once again for this time...... just like i have kept hoping for the past twelve years of my education.
This is the time that most of the school teens await there fate... the results of their exams...
Down the lane... the moments never went by, the rush of blood almost split the veins.. the arteries seemed to bulge greater than the limb...
that's down the lane....
college results no more create that feeling.... I miss the pain...
The days of schooling...
It's time again that I have started longing for the school days to return back.... 'Old is Gold' they say..
This visit really had no real reason but it doesn't feel like living until I visit this portal frequently and abuse it for my purpose...
It's this portal that seems to never leave me alone, and promises to be together in every circumstances.... I have faith that this shall never deceive...
faith...
never trust.. always have faith...
i was counselling a friend the other day...
Just the simple reason that trust might be broken but faith continues to believe on inspite of all the jeopardy, simply because faith is that power that shall never be broken.
It's this faith that has really helped to overcome my routine life and build the tracks for a brand new journey. Trust would have just left me with scars hanging over a ceiling fan...
it's the faith that makes me remain existing until date.....
It's on this faith that I hope to live on and promise for a better tomorrow.....
hoping to come up with something new in a few days...
signing off
me 'N mA Lone SouL
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
State of Today
two fore limbs and two hind limbs with an elongated tail, less than 1mm total body aperture, the exact structure of "peter".
peter is a vampire of this place in real meaning.
17 yrs of education had taught that vampires suck fresh human blood through the neck, peter is different. It causes bacterial inflammations all over the place it crawls on the body. This time he had come to visit my lower pelvic girdle region.
Its been two days that i have left my resting square, the inflammations made the slightest movement impossible.
It was an awful day with no work except bed rest, with all friends out to the city.
I wondered will I ever be alright?
16hrs since then the limbs don't allow the finger movement.... what if I have reduced 85kg - 55 kg in 6 months, thanks to Hostel Mess, New boys Hostel, Integral University, Lucknow.
(Address recommended for obese, weight conscious people)
All this but the heart longs to stay on its motto. True!... that itself is the real essence of life.
Thought: When do I succeed to achieve my motto?
People live for someone or another in this world, parents, wife, fiance, family, friend....
I wish to live for friend's'.... Is it possible??
Does the plural ever exist. Quotes have it " A true friend.."
Does true friend's' exists??
It remains a big question..
I wish that I'm on the right path.....
Philosophers had said, everyday has a new beginning...
Unfortunate again this never happened even today. The mind again buzzed up with the same queries.
Well thanks to this portal that I'm existing today.... other than the prominent cigarette puff's supporting it.....
from the past few months i have been living on a new additional supplement...
sentimental, sad, old songs including love songs...]
I have realised the importance of music in my life... Atif Aslam, Sonu Nigam and numerous unnamed.....
People listen to love songs in memories of their fiance, crush.. both of which which never existed in my life.
Wonder why do I still love the songs?
AM i psycho??
But ever wondered implying these songs on your life...
"Dil ke raaste pe kaise tokhar maine khai,
tute khwaab saare ek maayusi hai chaaii..."
The sorry biography of my life...
My friend loves the line in memories of a female, i do them in memories of my life, the present state of my life...
I no more feel to talk about all this... wonder why not??
Thanks to a friend that i have been living all these days, or i would have been history....
Looking at the problems he faces, ups and downs of his moods has give a silver lining to live on.......
"Dil me magar jalte rahe,
chahat ke diye.. tere liye....,"
Hope every second, he wears a smile on his face, happiness be his heart beats, wish my every step be joy in his life.. his tears flow through my tear gland......
Hope that i achieve my aim in some way.....
Sorry females if you feel I'm gay... even the worst of accusations affects this soul no more...
signing off seems awkward but there is no option left with me....
Me 'n mA loNE souL
peter is a vampire of this place in real meaning.
17 yrs of education had taught that vampires suck fresh human blood through the neck, peter is different. It causes bacterial inflammations all over the place it crawls on the body. This time he had come to visit my lower pelvic girdle region.
Its been two days that i have left my resting square, the inflammations made the slightest movement impossible.
It was an awful day with no work except bed rest, with all friends out to the city.
I wondered will I ever be alright?
16hrs since then the limbs don't allow the finger movement.... what if I have reduced 85kg - 55 kg in 6 months, thanks to Hostel Mess, New boys Hostel, Integral University, Lucknow.
(Address recommended for obese, weight conscious people)
All this but the heart longs to stay on its motto. True!... that itself is the real essence of life.
Thought: When do I succeed to achieve my motto?
People live for someone or another in this world, parents, wife, fiance, family, friend....
I wish to live for friend's'.... Is it possible??
Does the plural ever exist. Quotes have it " A true friend.."
Does true friend's' exists??
It remains a big question..
I wish that I'm on the right path.....
Philosophers had said, everyday has a new beginning...
Unfortunate again this never happened even today. The mind again buzzed up with the same queries.
Well thanks to this portal that I'm existing today.... other than the prominent cigarette puff's supporting it.....
from the past few months i have been living on a new additional supplement...
sentimental, sad, old songs including love songs...]
I have realised the importance of music in my life... Atif Aslam, Sonu Nigam and numerous unnamed.....
People listen to love songs in memories of their fiance, crush.. both of which which never existed in my life.
Wonder why do I still love the songs?
AM i psycho??
But ever wondered implying these songs on your life...
"Dil ke raaste pe kaise tokhar maine khai,
tute khwaab saare ek maayusi hai chaaii..."
The sorry biography of my life...
My friend loves the line in memories of a female, i do them in memories of my life, the present state of my life...
I no more feel to talk about all this... wonder why not??
Thanks to a friend that i have been living all these days, or i would have been history....
Looking at the problems he faces, ups and downs of his moods has give a silver lining to live on.......
"Dil me magar jalte rahe,
chahat ke diye.. tere liye....,"
Hope every second, he wears a smile on his face, happiness be his heart beats, wish my every step be joy in his life.. his tears flow through my tear gland......
Hope that i achieve my aim in some way.....
Sorry females if you feel I'm gay... even the worst of accusations affects this soul no more...
signing off seems awkward but there is no option left with me....
"There is always a reason for everything,
a reason to love,
a reason to die,
reason to live,
reason to cry,
but if u cant find a reason to smile...
can I be reason for a while..."
Me 'n mA loNE souL
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Looking Forward...to What?
Never ever look forward to anything in life...thats lesson numero uno that you must learn from it.
Never look forward to going somewhere.
Never look forward to going home
Never look forward expecting people to be there...and that too just because they say they will be.
Sometimes, people get a life of their own.
Sometimes, people take you for granted.
Sometimes, you might be the least important in someone's life...especially when they claim that you are the most important.
Sometimes, people tell you that they love you a lot...even when they cannot make a simple small sacrifice for u.
This is what life taught me the last one year...that I am alone in this world.
I have to fight my fights alone.
I have to walk my walks alone.
I have to learn my lessons alone.
I have to exist my life alone...
Loneliness has ironically started becoming my only company...sucking away all my memories...slowly taking away reasons to live...one by one...slowly, yet not slow enough.
It hurts to be alone when your friends want you to be there... some say that i don't call.Some say that i don't care...i don't even want to defend myself.Maybe because they can then give themselves a reason...an explanation...a satisfied feeling.
It is not that i choose to be alone.I can't help being alone anymore...loneliness is my only company on days.Good company/Bad company....i don't think like that anymore...
Life hurts...but you gotta live through it...at least exist...
MeE
JB signin off...
Never look forward to going somewhere.
Never look forward to going home
Never look forward expecting people to be there...and that too just because they say they will be.
Sometimes, people get a life of their own.
Sometimes, people take you for granted.
Sometimes, you might be the least important in someone's life...especially when they claim that you are the most important.
Sometimes, people tell you that they love you a lot...even when they cannot make a simple small sacrifice for u.
This is what life taught me the last one year...that I am alone in this world.
I have to fight my fights alone.
I have to walk my walks alone.
I have to learn my lessons alone.
I have to exist my life alone...
Loneliness has ironically started becoming my only company...sucking away all my memories...slowly taking away reasons to live...one by one...slowly, yet not slow enough.
It hurts to be alone when your friends want you to be there... some say that i don't call.Some say that i don't care...i don't even want to defend myself.Maybe because they can then give themselves a reason...an explanation...a satisfied feeling.
It is not that i choose to be alone.I can't help being alone anymore...loneliness is my only company on days.Good company/Bad company....i don't think like that anymore...
Life hurts...but you gotta live through it...at least exist...
"Life is a lesson,you learn it when you are through -Limpbiskit"
MeE
JB signin off...
Friday, April 6, 2007
The Last Breath...
Digestion failure, low blood count, feeling of guilty and total body pain...
holding the 10g ink shedder in my hand feels heavy..
looking at myself i feel ashamed of the skinny hands, the dirty ill-fated(30'') hips and the scars on the face due to the relentless scavengers, flies, bugs and many unwanted creatures, an unwelcome guests of the night at this place.
What a wonderful routine life to follow? Amazing it is to live on this way... but life goes on...
It was 09:30 in the morning, the Sunday seemed to be the largest ever in the centuries gone by.. almost 43 degree Celsius of heat the weather never permitted to even peek out of the balcony, but the urge for a puff, the urge for life dragged the soul out for a walk.
500m down the lane seemed like the never ending dunes of the Sahara Desert.
The day never seemed good, the heart never allowed it to be...
the feeling of uneasiness took cover, history repeated itself this Sunday.. the soul felt disregarded...
i felt cheated, i felt disgusted, i felt victim...
For all the time i had been spending, devoting for a friend the least of the favours asked went unanswered..
I was taunted of for my poverty...
clamping my heart , i said old is gold...
but "unfortunate" is now my routine life, this never happened.. no one bothered even glancing through at the state of this disillusioned clay piece...
I wonder whether the vessel of friendship has only an Inlet valve..?
An unanswered query went by...
Do I know my limits of friendship?
All this came only hours after i was denied a visit to my "town"...
Excellent... even the burnt over ash of the soul was not left to rest in peace..
One query....
Will my life ever evolve over all this for a new beginning or remain as an unsolved mystery like the physics of Universe...
Even the networks of galaxies seem solved compared to the mesh of my life....
Wonder why everything seems so unsolved?
Wonder why do I have all the problems in life?
Wonder why does the heart feel guilty after the greatest of deeds?
The eight inches stick no longer permits the flow of ink but my heart still promises to go on until the last breath...
Philosophers had said that "great beginnings in life have glimmer endings", my chapter of life seems to have come to its final stages..
just a few more years till the breath lasts, but the path for life is over...
life in means of emotions, feelings, care, trust, faith and all that except the normal biological cycle...
One last thing before the final hours...
let me clear one accusation against me...
The world says " Its all that your mind feels this way.. things aren't that bad"
but let me tell you all family, friends, colleagues, well-wishers and enemies....
Good luck for life and have fun... friends,family..
signing off
Me 'n mA LoNE souL
holding the 10g ink shedder in my hand feels heavy..
looking at myself i feel ashamed of the skinny hands, the dirty ill-fated(30'') hips and the scars on the face due to the relentless scavengers, flies, bugs and many unwanted creatures, an unwelcome guests of the night at this place.
What a wonderful routine life to follow? Amazing it is to live on this way... but life goes on...
It was 09:30 in the morning, the Sunday seemed to be the largest ever in the centuries gone by.. almost 43 degree Celsius of heat the weather never permitted to even peek out of the balcony, but the urge for a puff, the urge for life dragged the soul out for a walk.
500m down the lane seemed like the never ending dunes of the Sahara Desert.
The day never seemed good, the heart never allowed it to be...
the feeling of uneasiness took cover, history repeated itself this Sunday.. the soul felt disregarded...
i felt cheated, i felt disgusted, i felt victim...
For all the time i had been spending, devoting for a friend the least of the favours asked went unanswered..
I was taunted of for my poverty...
clamping my heart , i said old is gold...
but "unfortunate" is now my routine life, this never happened.. no one bothered even glancing through at the state of this disillusioned clay piece...
I wonder whether the vessel of friendship has only an Inlet valve..?
An unanswered query went by...
Do I know my limits of friendship?
All this came only hours after i was denied a visit to my "town"...
Excellent... even the burnt over ash of the soul was not left to rest in peace..
One query....
Will my life ever evolve over all this for a new beginning or remain as an unsolved mystery like the physics of Universe...
Even the networks of galaxies seem solved compared to the mesh of my life....
Wonder why everything seems so unsolved?
Wonder why do I have all the problems in life?
Wonder why does the heart feel guilty after the greatest of deeds?
The eight inches stick no longer permits the flow of ink but my heart still promises to go on until the last breath...
Philosophers had said that "great beginnings in life have glimmer endings", my chapter of life seems to have come to its final stages..
just a few more years till the breath lasts, but the path for life is over...
life in means of emotions, feelings, care, trust, faith and all that except the normal biological cycle...
One last thing before the final hours...
let me clear one accusation against me...
The world says " Its all that your mind feels this way.. things aren't that bad"
but let me tell you all family, friends, colleagues, well-wishers and enemies....
"Ye meri wafa ka sila hai to koi baat nahi..
Ye dard tumse mila hai to koi baat nahi..
yehi bahut hai ki tum dekh rahe ho kinare se...
main doob rahan hoon to koi baat nahin..
..koi baat nahin...."
Good luck for life and have fun... friends,family..
signing off
Me 'n mA LoNE souL
Friday, March 2, 2007
...The Difference...
Wondering at the just concluded IU Campus Fiesta - 07 i miss my old days of schooling and the beautiful moments back "home".
Fiesta - A Spanish word referring to festival. A time to party usually during summer's with huge gatherings, joy rides, ice cream stalls, Music, DJ's, love lanes, and lots 'n lots of love.
In real sense this is what really i call FIESTA.
There was a lot of excitement for the upcoming so called fiesta in our college. The program were well planned, the event well named, the prizes well distributed but all this with no Music and No DJ.
Is this really a Fiesta?
Does any gathering be complete without the pure essence and soul of music?
Does any teen gathering complete without a rock song?
Does a party have any meaning without music?
Unfortunately, the answer is "yes" when it comes to IU.
The Fiesta concluded last night without even a minute of music. The stage was all set, beautiful lights, well dressed fellas and brightly dressed females. The perfect ingredients for a beautiful and romantic evening....,
but...
the f**kn proctorial board would never allow. I wonder what do they fear...?
What's the harm if a group of teens dance together in the evening especially when u have organised an event on the name "FIESTA"..?
Will any harm be caused to the girls if they dance together?
Will any female be molested or raped if they enjoy the evening with rock music?
and... after all it is a Fiesta....
The word has its own meaning and spirit....
I wonder when will the people of this place evolve themselves for the 70's thinking?
We Danced the whole night till 03:30 am on 28th March 2006(hope the date is right), no female was sexually exploited in any sense, well they surely made out only with the permission of the gal...
there was nothing forced....
All this has just added to the agony towards this place,
.. wonder when do I (If I ever) graduate out of here..
..wonder If I ever win back my golden days..
..wonder when does my life return to normal..
..wonder..
...when does the smoked souls say "we are living again!!"...
I conclude on the hope that the people of this place modernise, evolve their minds and live as the world lives today, shaving back all the old and premature thinking....
signing off..
Me 'n mA LonE souL
Saturday, February 24, 2007
A P A R T
WARNING : I AM RANTING
JAN 19th 2007... PREVIOUS Entry.
Today FEB 24th 2007.
They say that I am drifting.There is no doubt about that.
BUT, I am not doing it of my own accord.
I feel my purpose is over in most of the lives that have crossed with mine.
All of you have your own self sustainable lives now..
Some have new friends and some found love.
Some found escape in DRUGS and some lost their memories.
Everyone i know leads a new life.And i myself am trying to lead a new life.
I should technically be happy.After valentines especially.After all I did find love in MALLULAND(minus the oil,body hair and the georgian moustache!).
But i miss everything as usual but this time with a renewed sense of missation.
No one even bothers asking "MISHAL, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?"
Well, soon MISHAL will even cease to exist...
YES! I AM DEPRESSED and I need to go to rehab or something...
It is amazing to realize that if i rewind my life back by just 12 months the only worry i had was "Will i flunk the boards?" for which i usually replied as "Big deal...what happens then,max to max i get thrown outta home!"
I had an amzing life...amazing friends...amazing(????)gal...lived with my parents...ate sexy food...smoked tasty cigarettes...drank seldom.
PRESENT DAY SCENARIO : I want a life(not even amazing one, i am a humble dude), DO my buddies even remember, nice gal (she reads this she gonna kill me....im lyin sweety,for sympathy),parents live in another country,dont eat often,smokin beedi's on days and to top it all off - I am turning into an alcoholic!
I am a typical poster boy...only for those posters saying before/after and that too in the one's warning people about deadly diseases.
I was jus bugged with life and wanted to take it out...
SO i wrote a load of crap...
MeE
JB signin off...
JAN 19th 2007... PREVIOUS Entry.
Today FEB 24th 2007.
They say that I am drifting.There is no doubt about that.
BUT, I am not doing it of my own accord.
I feel my purpose is over in most of the lives that have crossed with mine.
All of you have your own self sustainable lives now..
Some have new friends and some found love.
Some found escape in DRUGS and some lost their memories.
Everyone i know leads a new life.And i myself am trying to lead a new life.
I should technically be happy.After valentines especially.After all I did find love in MALLULAND(minus the oil,body hair and the georgian moustache!).
But i miss everything as usual but this time with a renewed sense of missation.
No one even bothers asking "MISHAL, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?"
Well, soon MISHAL will even cease to exist...
YES! I AM DEPRESSED and I need to go to rehab or something...
It is amazing to realize that if i rewind my life back by just 12 months the only worry i had was "Will i flunk the boards?" for which i usually replied as "Big deal...what happens then,max to max i get thrown outta home!"
I had an amzing life...amazing friends...amazing(????)gal...lived with my parents...ate sexy food...smoked tasty cigarettes...drank seldom.
PRESENT DAY SCENARIO : I want a life(not even amazing one, i am a humble dude), DO my buddies even remember, nice gal (she reads this she gonna kill me....im lyin sweety,for sympathy),parents live in another country,dont eat often,smokin beedi's on days and to top it all off - I am turning into an alcoholic!
I am a typical poster boy...only for those posters saying before/after and that too in the one's warning people about deadly diseases.
I was jus bugged with life and wanted to take it out...
SO i wrote a load of crap...
MeE
JB signin off...
Thursday, February 8, 2007
kudos to lovers..!
The sky is blue, the sunshine's bright, the grass looks greener, the tulips sings louder, as the rose awaits his lover to be picked.....
The nature enjoys every moment despite all the hardships being in inflicted upon by unforgiving mankind through industrial and mechanical work, but the nature believes that life goes on..
changing tracks...
It was 5 in the evening as we sat in room no. 405 discussing the plans for 14th of February. I remembered my friends birthday, a breath beside me spoke out Valentines Day...
A day for the couples to celebrate, to party, to encourage their relationship further into the deep ocean of love. The tables are set with a lighted candle, delicious Italian cuisine, a beautiful greeting, a soothing music, backless - netted glittered red gown,and lots & lots of love.
It is not necessary to celebrate the day with the opposite sex, its a day to live with love, look at the world with love, look at your life with love, pray for love and hope for love... hope to be loved in order to succeed some day in life.
I feel sorry for this day on behalf of certain friends who lost their love due to some bitter misunderstandings or due to the nature of any one counterpart. It is nothing to repent as life always goes on....
There is one thing that has to be kept in mind that always know the person before you love him. Love at first sight is never a true love, its a love with looks, love of the beauty displayed or love with the money. A guy says i love her so much that i can never think wrong about her even after the f***kn breakup, but ever wondered what the female has the feeling about you...
know the person, talk to him to find out her character, attitude, nature and what is inside for you, its my word that you will never be heart broken ever again... if......
On Behalf of 'Smoked SoulS ' wish u all a very
The nature enjoys every moment despite all the hardships being in inflicted upon by unforgiving mankind through industrial and mechanical work, but the nature believes that life goes on..
changing tracks...
It was 5 in the evening as we sat in room no. 405 discussing the plans for 14th of February. I remembered my friends birthday, a breath beside me spoke out Valentines Day...
A day for the couples to celebrate, to party, to encourage their relationship further into the deep ocean of love. The tables are set with a lighted candle, delicious Italian cuisine, a beautiful greeting, a soothing music, backless - netted glittered red gown,and lots & lots of love.
It is not necessary to celebrate the day with the opposite sex, its a day to live with love, look at the world with love, look at your life with love, pray for love and hope for love... hope to be loved in order to succeed some day in life.
I feel sorry for this day on behalf of certain friends who lost their love due to some bitter misunderstandings or due to the nature of any one counterpart. It is nothing to repent as life always goes on....
There is one thing that has to be kept in mind that always know the person before you love him. Love at first sight is never a true love, its a love with looks, love of the beauty displayed or love with the money. A guy says i love her so much that i can never think wrong about her even after the f***kn breakup, but ever wondered what the female has the feeling about you...
know the person, talk to him to find out her character, attitude, nature and what is inside for you, its my word that you will never be heart broken ever again... if......
On Behalf of 'Smoked SoulS ' wish u all a very
'''***HAPPY VALENTINES DAY***'''
Sunday, January 21, 2007
does everything need a title..
Am I the only one who cares so much in this world?
Am I the only person who has all the feelings in the world?
Have I signed some kind of a contract to feel for everyone?
Does my aim/motto "live for someone" is rubbish?
shouldn't I think of myself i.e me.....
.....
The 10 degree temperature feels nothing with only a nylon on the body. Do I deserve all this for my deeds?
The worst thing a person can do is to misunderstand a broken heart's feelings, killing the left over emotions, licking off the remaining puss from the bleeding heart.
What if I do all this? Don't I deserve to be hanged.... die a lone death..?
It feels as I'm the only one caring in this world. Isn't these signs of selfishness?
I don't know for what reason do i have the right to exist in this world?
Do i not deserve the punishments of Auschwitz?
Do i not deserve to lie down of bed of thorns?
Do i not deserve to face the mouth of a blasting cannon?
I disregarded the feelings of a friend. I have played on the minds of the friend...
Do i know my limits of friendship?
Am i interfering in someone else's life?
Is my approach to achieve my aim totally wrong?
Why do i always think what others think of me?
will my questions be answered any day?
Today i ask this due to a cause.. I have disregarded a friends feelings for his ex- girl.
now,
Do i have a right opinion about females?
Should my friend love a female who hasn't thought for him for a jiffy after breakup?
Why does a guy miss things for his whole life while a female doesn't?
If female hearts are so stubborn how can they be future mothers?
Is a guy dud to miss his girl after breakup?
Should a guy keep thinking about his ex-girl?
All the hardships, the agony, the tensions, drugs, smoke cannabis.. for a girls lost memories.....
Why does a guy still think good of that female?
will my questions be ever answered?
will my lone soul ever rest in peace?
or I'll die with the quizzes unanswered...
will i ever find a heart to answer these questions?
or is it...
that i have no right to question all this?
It remains a big Question....??
logging off...
mE 'n Ma loNe souL
Am I the only person who has all the feelings in the world?
Have I signed some kind of a contract to feel for everyone?
Does my aim/motto "live for someone" is rubbish?
shouldn't I think of myself i.e me.....
.....
The 10 degree temperature feels nothing with only a nylon on the body. Do I deserve all this for my deeds?
The worst thing a person can do is to misunderstand a broken heart's feelings, killing the left over emotions, licking off the remaining puss from the bleeding heart.
What if I do all this? Don't I deserve to be hanged.... die a lone death..?
It feels as I'm the only one caring in this world. Isn't these signs of selfishness?
I don't know for what reason do i have the right to exist in this world?
Do i not deserve the punishments of Auschwitz?
Do i not deserve to lie down of bed of thorns?
Do i not deserve to face the mouth of a blasting cannon?
I disregarded the feelings of a friend. I have played on the minds of the friend...
Do i know my limits of friendship?
Am i interfering in someone else's life?
Is my approach to achieve my aim totally wrong?
Why do i always think what others think of me?
will my questions be answered any day?
Today i ask this due to a cause.. I have disregarded a friends feelings for his ex- girl.
now,
Do i have a right opinion about females?
Should my friend love a female who hasn't thought for him for a jiffy after breakup?
Why does a guy miss things for his whole life while a female doesn't?
If female hearts are so stubborn how can they be future mothers?
Is a guy dud to miss his girl after breakup?
Should a guy keep thinking about his ex-girl?
All the hardships, the agony, the tensions, drugs, smoke cannabis.. for a girls lost memories.....
Why does a guy still think good of that female?
will my questions be ever answered?
will my lone soul ever rest in peace?
or I'll die with the quizzes unanswered...
will i ever find a heart to answer these questions?
or is it...
that i have no right to question all this?
It remains a big Question....??
logging off...
mE 'n Ma loNe souL
soul needs peace..
soul needs harmony..
soul needs prosperity..
soul needs comfort...
but the world gives nothing to this lone soul.....
hearty feelings
"Girls are like a cigarette, they lit up lives,
create a puff, exit unexpectedly...
leave a bad taste in the mouth,
but satisfy the soul...."
how true..
The Almighty has created the souls alike but a distinction existed when it came into the physical form. This distinction is what6t has made guyz and gals. This distinction came more profound when the dependence on the opposite sex was revealed.
It's true that the population of this world depends upon these relationships, but isn't it so selfish..
Q: why a man marries
A: to have kids...
whether he loves or hates his counterpart he still has kids
A man on bed with his wife enjoys every moment, while the poor female suffers the pain. She then has to hold.d the foetus for nine months, breast feed the new born for two months after delivery, nourish and bring up the child and stuff....
A feminist argued...
True....I say true, but ever wondered what are the days before marriage?
This man tries his level best to bring the opposite sex close to him....
shit it is...I say.... pleasure says my friend....
The guy does everything to settle into the hearts of his love.., to win her confidence, to get her attention, to secure her feelings, to satisfy her needs, to say that there exists something as 'true love' between them.
But ever wondered whether the females thinks all this?.. all the time....?
True that the female has the same feelings, even she cries her heart out for the love of the guy, she limits her world to the ends of her love.
True that the female misses the guy every second spent without him.. but...
the story doesn't end here..
when a female enters the life of a boy he takes it serious, he thinks as it is the last desire in his life...
feminist argue that even they think the same way...
but....
when due to some bitter misunderstanding the souls apart..... the scars, the footprints the after effects leave by in a guys heart.....
sorry to say... unfortunately this never happens with the opposite no.
seeing is believing they say.... I believe....
The guy deteriorates, crumbles, shatters in the memories of his love but the unforgiving female goes on with her new partner of life. She takes it as an end of a chapter. so simple....
but the guy helplessly never believes the end...
He believes that every cloud has a silver lining.. trust , it's a trust, but unfortunately the hope never fulfils..
every step up or down is like a dip into the volcanoes of Italy...
the harsh fact lies that life goes on...
this is the time that the soul stops living and starts existing.... existing with the help of pen, smoke or drugs..
but ever imagined a heart existing without the help of above ingredient
A cake without eggs?
The beats without drums?
The fact that the heart exists in front of my eyes.. a bare naked fact..
It is just as the person existing in "CONSTANTINE"
The heart feels cool while walking through the beds of coke at 15 million Kelvin.....
This is a heart that a guy keeps scuffled inside his ribs... even this heart exists in this world... exists.....
...
...
think....
logging off...
mE 'n Ma lOnE souL
"Zindagi mein koi kabhi aaye na Rabba
aye to phir kabhi jaaye na Rabba
dene ho agar mujhe baad mein aasun
to pehle koi hasaaen na Rabba"
Vote for me now! Blogomania 2010 sponsored by Odyssey360 The 24 hour online book store with 5 milion books to choose from.
Friday, January 19, 2007
People Who Should Be Killed!
2 part series...by a comedian George Carlin on people who should be killed(PROFANE!)
Note the various names he assigns to those people he is insulting...
PART 1
PART 2
Beautifully said....and performed...
Do check out more videos on You Tube by searching for George Carlin.
MeE
JB signin off...
Note the various names he assigns to those people he is insulting...
PART 1
PART 2
Beautifully said....and performed...
Do check out more videos on You Tube by searching for George Carlin.
MeE
JB signin off...
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Questioning LOVE!
FIRST : read the disclaimer at the END of this blog...
SECOND : READ the blog/ navigate away
THIRD : COMMENT !
I always have the habit of asking people the one magical question which none can answer...
NOw i imagine...in a very realistic way how these wonderful friends of mine would actually answer.This is fiction with a twist of fact in it.
SAAD : Love is a KHWARR of an excuse for SEX!Sfe legal sex on the bed in the house.
AHMER : Love....its crap...bull crap..
AHMER (After 3 shots of vodka) : LOve...I dunno man.... i only love NJ man, I cannot live withoout that female man... I dont care what you guys think, I love that female man.....PUUUKE!
ANUJA : "Innal haathif al muthaharrikalladi thalabthaghu..." which is arabic for "THE MOBILE NO YOU HAVE CALLED IS CURRENTLY SWITCHED OFF OR OUTSIDE THE COVERAGE AREA.PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER".
To the Charsi's this means....C.D!
RASHID : LOve man.... it is the feeling one feels when he sees a carton or rather a container of malboro on his doorstep... evry morning.
LABI : LOve...IT is what Shah Rukh has for Preity in Kal ho na ho...actually the way he...(this could go on for a couple of hours, trust me..)
SUMIRAN : Love man... we are too young for this man, but i think for your esteemed presence from my esteemed knowledge that love is the integrated value of the tan inverse of the square root of everything man. LOVE IS MATHHHH!!!!!!! and YEah, i dont love K8 any more....
NISHIT : LOve is just an excuse for doing stuff man... it doesnt exist at all man... its just like people...another excuse for people to chipko onto all the rich people in the world.
JEFFREY : Love... love is something supernatural... a feeling rather, a feeling that chandler has for monica... Phoebe for someone... joey for himself... (blah blah)...Love is FRIENDS!
ABHI : Love is just plain shit that americans use as an excuse to sell their crap...
BLUIEEE : LOve... hee hee, i need more pepsi to tell u this one.
KOMIT : LOve is something that happens once in a lifetime ... totally non sexual and when it happens, i will know.
MITI : According to me, LovE is NJ AND CHUKKY!!(little does she kno...there mite as well be a community on orkut called "we love Miti, Our favorite Hathi"... i know at the least 6ppl who love her!)
And my favorite...
SIMRAN : LOve is not the feeling (definetely not) i have for every other guy... and especially not for GRIZZLY BEAR...i ONLY LOvE My BROTHER NIKHIL!
LOve... isnt it a wonderful experience??? Ive personally thought i was in it for a million times in my life...
NOw i am sure... you want to kno what i think of love...why dont you temme what I would!
MeE
JB signin off...
DISCLAIMER : EVen though the names are real... the thoughts are mine (read:its all fiction)... ok it may resemble reality...but it is not!
SECOND : READ the blog/ navigate away
THIRD : COMMENT !
I always have the habit of asking people the one magical question which none can answer...
QUestion is : "WHAT IS LOVE??"
NOw i imagine...in a very realistic way how these wonderful friends of mine would actually answer.This is fiction with a twist of fact in it.
SAAD : Love is a KHWARR of an excuse for SEX!Sfe legal sex on the bed in the house.
AHMER : Love....its crap...bull crap..
AHMER (After 3 shots of vodka) : LOve...I dunno man.... i only love NJ man, I cannot live withoout that female man... I dont care what you guys think, I love that female man.....PUUUKE!
ANUJA : "Innal haathif al muthaharrikalladi thalabthaghu..." which is arabic for "THE MOBILE NO YOU HAVE CALLED IS CURRENTLY SWITCHED OFF OR OUTSIDE THE COVERAGE AREA.PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER".
To the Charsi's this means....C.D!
RASHID : LOve man.... it is the feeling one feels when he sees a carton or rather a container of malboro on his doorstep... evry morning.
LABI : LOve...IT is what Shah Rukh has for Preity in Kal ho na ho...actually the way he...(this could go on for a couple of hours, trust me..)
SUMIRAN : Love man... we are too young for this man, but i think for your esteemed presence from my esteemed knowledge that love is the integrated value of the tan inverse of the square root of everything man. LOVE IS MATHHHH!!!!!!! and YEah, i dont love K8 any more....
NISHIT : LOve is just an excuse for doing stuff man... it doesnt exist at all man... its just like people...another excuse for people to chipko onto all the rich people in the world.
JEFFREY : Love... love is something supernatural... a feeling rather, a feeling that chandler has for monica... Phoebe for someone... joey for himself... (blah blah)...Love is FRIENDS!
ABHI : Love is just plain shit that americans use as an excuse to sell their crap...
BLUIEEE : LOve... hee hee, i need more pepsi to tell u this one.
KOMIT : LOve is something that happens once in a lifetime ... totally non sexual and when it happens, i will know.
MITI : According to me, LovE is NJ AND CHUKKY!!(little does she kno...there mite as well be a community on orkut called "we love Miti, Our favorite Hathi"... i know at the least 6ppl who love her!)
And my favorite...
SIMRAN : LOve is not the feeling (definetely not) i have for every other guy... and especially not for GRIZZLY BEAR...i ONLY LOvE My BROTHER NIKHIL!
LOve... isnt it a wonderful experience??? Ive personally thought i was in it for a million times in my life...
NOw i am sure... you want to kno what i think of love...why dont you temme what I would!
MeE
JB signin off...
DISCLAIMER : EVen though the names are real... the thoughts are mine (read:its all fiction)... ok it may resemble reality...but it is not!
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