Today is 20th Jan 2018, almost 44K hours since the last time I was here. I don't even know where to start from. I checked my last blog just to know how to start a blog. I don't know why do I even care, not that I remember off. It's difficult to comprehend life now, it's strange to even type now, weird to be composing the missing bits of the spirit, unsure if it's even worth a single penny to continue the rant. However, this space has always welcomed me with open hands and big hug, it's my own shack, my own world, my rules, my way.
Sorry to be sounding like a teenager, but I was young when I last visited this blog. Let me start to pick straws from where I had left, it might not make sense but would certainly instill a bit of pride, I know no one cares. The ones who did have left, the ones who didn't have joined. I have planning this bit for quite a while now but never had the courage to face the friend I left long ago.
The melody is same old in the background, the dearth of loneliness lingers on, my heart beats a bit louder, the fingers a bit tamer, the eyes a bit warmer, the breath a bit heavier, the love a bit stronger, the pain a bit harder, the peace a bit more peaceful. I am trying to gather from where I had left.
After leaving my birthplace for a little far off patch of sand (25°18′N 51°31′E, there is still some sheen left in me i guess ;)), the last time I sat down with my words I was trying to get a gasp of the decision I had made. I was still trying to understand the decisions that led me to this life, trying to get a grip of the situations. Long hours of loneliness haunted my life, with even the walls turning pale to my condition. I was happy in a small temporary shelter, would hardly have work and then come back looking forward to nothing. My friend would give me company but I never thought was enough. I had begged for this relationship to stay on, there are still some scars in the draft section of this blog which might never see sunshine. I tremble even at a wisp of that thought. I learned the art of keeping people happy at your own expense. No one told me you might run out of money one day. There was no stone upturned to keep the flowers blossom, to keep the garden beautiful, to keep the air beautiful. I ran out of adjectives for description, cried for nights for abstract, cursed the world for pronouns. It was still fun to have invested time and effort to yield a better result in life. I continued to have days and nights without work which became boring beyond a certain point.
I had friends coming over for visits, they fueled some cents to live on. I hung on a bit longer to please my friend and lo and behold we embarked on the next level of relish. Approximately 2.1K hrs later a few related people had started exchanging some new thoughts in life. Newer Engagements started to happen with a lot of caution and uncertainty. I was pasted to be traitor having hidden critical information even though my timid brain was unable to gather together the twitches of the nerves. I would swear by the biggest Almighty that there were no bad intentions but in vain. I sat weeping in a crammed automobile, begging for forgiveness not sure what else to ask for. I loved you, I still do, swearing has never helped but I can swear again. It was exactly as said,
na dil raazi na woh raazi to phir kahe ki ibaadat hai,
kiya jaata hu mei sajda magar sajda nahi hota
Americans ! I don't feel like translating. I don't even care, neither does Trump so it's OK I guess. The waves had moved on, just as I thought I had won the world, my good times had begun. There was fresh blaze blowing through the glaze of the glasses, I needed help at every point, I was clueless in situations but the world does not help when you need the most. My life has always been a roller coaster, and about seven and a half thousand hours since the last time I was here I embarked on a journey of heavens, clouds, angels, blossoms, blessings, blondies, love, lust, louvre, care, affection, happiness, blushes, and so much more that I start to mince my own vocab. It was still year 2014, I was now married.
zamaana apni samjhe par mujhe apni khabar ye thi,
mujhe teri zaroorat thi, tujhe meri zaroorat thi
My world had changed, my legs trembled as I got into a shiny attire to have started a new venture. I sat in the midst of a few hundreds, my father smiled after a very long time, my siblings giggled, my friends grinned, I almost lost my heart to the stars as I accepted the love of my life. A bird chirped in the dark, a lily just blossomed, a dew just reckoned, even the sun shone a little in the night. I love you, she still complains I never blogged about this till date.
We flew around the around, I got short of voice to describe. There are a few moments beyond words, a few glimpses without a view, a few breaths without a feel, a few beats without a sound, a few touches without a feel. It's an assimilation of souls which is beyond universe, beyond humans, beyond grammar, beyond speech. Love you .. I rest my case :)
We spent a year in the same patch of unforgiving sand, where shelters now felt a bit warmer, the chills a bit tamer and dawn not so far away. Hope can even let you conquer planets let alone lives. Recently, I was scrolling through a phone which had captured a lot of memories, the quants the through the seas, the swims of the dolphins, the dancing peacock, the risen blue moon, the showering meteors, the rains, the smiles, the stares, the moments, the glares, the divinity, the bloods, the beds, the .. Love you again.
But the peaks of the tide had their share of grievances, grunts and bumps. I don't know who was right and who was wrong. I did hope that little things in life would matter to over come this, I did hope for a better morning, hope for a better evening, hoped for a better hope. I guess faults can be corrected if acknowledged as one, the only thing I didn't know that it's an ocean with no shore in sight. There is so much to say but I don't know ..
dard itna ki har rag mei mehshar barpa,
awr sukun aisa ki marjaane to ji chahta hai..
It's not fair leave you here .. I will be back
signing off abruptly @02:38 HRS..
mE 'n mA LonE soUL
