State of Today

two fore limbs and two hind limbs with an elongated tail, less than 1mm total body aperture, the exact structure of "peter".
peter is a vampire of this place in real meaning.

17 yrs of education had taught that vampires suck fresh human blood through the neck, peter is different. It causes bacterial inflammations all over the place it crawls on the body. This time he had come to visit my lower pelvic girdle region.
Its been two days that i have left my resting square, the inflammations made the slightest movement impossible.

It was an awful day with no work except bed rest, with all friends out to the city.
I wondered will I ever be alright?
16hrs since then the limbs don't allow the finger movement.... what if I have reduced 85kg - 55 kg in 6 months, thanks to Hostel Mess, New boys Hostel, Integral University, Lucknow.
(Address recommended for obese, weight conscious people)

All this but the heart longs to stay on its motto. True!... that itself is the real essence of life.
Thought: When do I succeed to achieve my motto?

People live for someone or another in this world, parents, wife, fiance, family, friend....
I wish to live for friend's'.... Is it possible??
Does the plural ever exist. Quotes have it " A true friend.."
Does true friend's' exists??
It remains a big question..

I wish that I'm on the right path.....
Philosophers had said, everyday has a new beginning...
Unfortunate again this never happened even today. The mind again buzzed up with the same queries.
Well thanks to this portal that I'm existing today.... other than the prominent cigarette puff's supporting it.....
from the past few months i have been living on a new additional supplement...
sentimental, sad, old songs including love songs...]
I have realised the importance of music in my life... Atif Aslam, Sonu Nigam and numerous unnamed.....
People listen to love songs in memories of their fiance, crush.. both of which which never existed in my life.
Wonder why do I still love the songs?

AM i psycho??

But ever wondered implying these songs on your life...

"Dil ke raaste pe kaise tokhar maine khai,
tute khwaab saare ek maayusi hai chaaii..."

The sorry biography of my life...

My friend loves the line in memories of a female, i do them in memories of my life, the present state of my life...
I no more feel to talk about all this... wonder why not??

Thanks to a friend that i have been living all these days, or i would have been history....
Looking at the problems he faces, ups and downs of his moods has give a silver lining to live on.......

"Dil me magar jalte rahe,
chahat ke diye.. tere liye....,"

Hope every second, he wears a smile on his face, happiness be his heart beats, wish my every step be joy in his life.. his tears flow through my tear gland......

Hope that i achieve my aim in some way.....
Sorry females if you feel I'm gay... even the worst of accusations affects this soul no more...

signing off seems awkward but there is no option left with me....

"There is always a reason for everything,

a reason to love,

a reason to die,

reason to live,

reason to cry,

but if u cant find a reason to smile...

can I be reason for a while..."

Me 'n mA loNE souL

Looking Forward...to What?

Never ever look forward to anything in life...thats lesson numero uno that you must learn from it.

Never look forward to going somewhere.
Never look forward to going home
Never look forward expecting people to be there...and that too just because they say they will be.

Sometimes, people get a life of their own.
Sometimes, people take you for granted.
Sometimes, you might be the least important in someone's life...especially when they claim that you are the most important.
Sometimes, people tell you that they love you a lot...even when they cannot make a simple small sacrifice for u.

This is what life taught me the last one year...that I am alone in this world.

I have to fight my fights alone.
I have to walk my walks alone.
I have to learn my lessons alone.

I have to exist my life alone...

Loneliness has ironically started becoming my only company...sucking away all my memories...slowly taking away reasons to live...one by one...slowly, yet not slow enough.

It hurts to be alone when your friends want you to be there... some say that i don't call.Some say that i don't care...i don't even want to defend myself.Maybe because they can then give themselves a reason...an explanation...a satisfied feeling.

It is not that i choose to be alone.I can't help being alone anymore...loneliness is my only company on days.Good company/Bad company....i don't think like that anymore...

Life hurts...but you gotta live through it...at least exist...

"Life is a lesson,you learn it when you are through -Limpbiskit"

MeE

JB signin off...

The Last Breath...

Digestion failure, low blood count, feeling of guilty and total body pain...
holding the 10g ink shedder in my hand feels heavy..
looking at myself i feel ashamed of the skinny hands, the dirty ill-fated(30'') hips and the scars on the face due to the relentless scavengers, flies, bugs and many unwanted creatures, an unwelcome guests of the night at this place.

What a wonderful routine life to follow? Amazing it is to live on this way... but life goes on...

It was 09:30 in the morning, the Sunday seemed to be the largest ever in the centuries gone by.. almost 43 degree Celsius of heat the weather never permitted to even peek out of the balcony, but the urge for a puff, the urge for life dragged the soul out for a walk.
500m down the lane seemed like the never ending dunes of the Sahara Desert.

The day never seemed good, the heart never allowed it to be...
the feeling of uneasiness took cover, history repeated itself this Sunday.. the soul felt disregarded...
i felt cheated, i felt disgusted, i felt victim...

For all the time i had been spending, devoting for a friend the least of the favours asked went unanswered..
I was taunted of for my poverty...
clamping my heart , i said old is gold...
but "unfortunate" is now my routine life, this never happened.. no one bothered even glancing through at the state of this disillusioned clay piece...
I wonder whether the vessel of friendship has only an Inlet valve..?

An unanswered query went by...
Do I know my limits of friendship?

All this came only hours after i was denied a visit to my "town"...
Excellent... even the burnt over ash of the soul was not left to rest in peace..

One query....
Will my life ever evolve over all this for a new beginning or remain as an unsolved mystery like the physics of Universe...

Even the networks of galaxies seem solved compared to the mesh of my life....

Wonder why everything seems so unsolved?
Wonder why do I have all the problems in life?
Wonder why does the heart feel guilty after the greatest of deeds?

The eight inches stick no longer permits the flow of ink but my heart still promises to go on until the last breath...

Philosophers had said that "great beginnings in life have glimmer endings", my chapter of life seems to have come to its final stages..
just a few more years till the breath lasts, but the path for life is over...
life in means of emotions, feelings, care, trust, faith and all that except the normal biological cycle...

One last thing before the final hours...
let me clear one accusation against me...
The world says " Its all that your mind feels this way.. things aren't that bad"

but let me tell you all family, friends, colleagues, well-wishers and enemies....

"Ye meri wafa ka sila hai to koi baat nahi..

Ye dard tumse mila hai to koi baat nahi..

yehi bahut hai ki tum dekh rahe ho kinare se...

main doob rahan hoon to koi baat nahin..

..koi baat nahin...."

Good luck for life and have fun... friends,family..

signing off
Me 'n mA LoNE souL