I'm back about 9.5K hours behind schedule, old habits die hard, I'm still fascinated by the time calculation. As always it is difficult to pick the old tales, but I need to keep the promise on the continuation of the story, an account which started not so long ago. (crushed by hope .. living on hope)
It was still the summer of 69, well not really but I like the analogy, I was in the land of crusades. First ever on a "foreign" soil, foreign because of a different skin tone, because of a different climate tone, because of a different testosterone. Sorry my bad attempt at rhyming. It's ironic to term Europe a foreign land by a person who was born on a foreign land, and the only home that I know off is a foreign land. I guess that's been the fight that I had with myself for many years, a temporary association with everything living or object and then the dearth to an end.
Back to my trip, the roads woven with beautiful white silk, as I strolled through the streets along Amstel as if I was walking in the jungle with a .. (you know what I mean !). I had never imagined a country so beautiful, a road so peaceful, a lane so lustful, a shop so soulful, a path so disgraceful, a moment so blissful, a thought so shameful, a heart so ungrateful. (crushed by hope .. living on hope).
My new workplace had changed me completely by now, I would normally have a breakfast at home, a lunch at midair and a dinner in a hotel room thousands of kilometers away from home.
It's fun to be honest but may be not every time. Getting ready suited as early as the birds in the neighborhood was a new normal, and the new norms of having every proposal rejected. It's a harsh world out there, but then there a million lemmings like me trying the same thing, what is the difference between me and them ? Probably nothing, may be I'm worse than many others, better than many more, life has always been a quest between the two. I don't remember the times that I have tried to answer this question, I asked a friend while leaving school, I asked a love while leaving grad school, I asked a sibling while leaving home, I asked an acquaintance while coming back, I asked again I don't know whom.
Umr beet jaati hai zindagi ke sawalon ke jawab dhundte,
Awr jab mljaye jawab, to zindagi sawal badal deti hai
You spent a life untangling the facts and myths of life,
And when you thought it was done, you were presented with a new puzzle
Cliche!, I mentioned it in the beginning, old habits die hard, well I just copied this from my last post. I know it's lame but then how about when you are crushed by hope .. and still living on hope.
I hope I find the answer by the end of this literary trip. The changes in life tracks are never embracing, there is always a struggle to prove one better than the other. The world has seen wars over inflated ego's and flimsy interests, life in general has been no different. Why differ when you both suffer ? Why prefer when you both mirror ? Why tither when you are both meagre ? Why wither when you both can fissure ? Why quiver when you both can be kissers ? (crushed by hope .. living on hope).
Life can be so different if we understood perspectives but then would it still be fun, if there was no gun, no bun, no pun ! Shame on me, I just wrote that, literary deleting it twice but then this my space which accepts me the way I have been and does not even judge. And even if it does, then do I care ? (old habits !)
I however moved on my with a new bliss, the best gift of my god, my little lad. I don't know but my nerves have a different signal when you see the little love of your life pick an innocent toy from the aisle and walk towards you with all the hope he or she has learnt. Your eyes flood, the hearts pumps more blood, the first time that you realize a complete different recipe of happiness, a joy unimaginable, a sight so memorable, a love so lovable, an innocence so likeable, a time you hoped never fades away. Fatherhood is a completely different ball game, I know a friend whose life just flipped over where nothing remained the same as before, I will surely tell the tale later, remember we are still 17 and a half thousand hours ago.
Haste hue chehre ne bharam rakha hamara,
Woh dekhne aaya tha ki kis haal me hum hai
the smiling face kept me worthy,
he actually came to measure my plight
My fascination of time lingers on, as I did numerous trips across the world. It's nice to have your heart out on the flying machine, from the sands of Arabia (I couldn't control my giggle, an old friend will relate !), to the land of Rabbits, the land of Music, the land of Angels or the Holy land or may be forbidden land ? As the cliche goes what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. I know the description does not justice the long stories left behind, but then there is always so much that you can say, so much that you can't. I remember my soul gasping for breath as the wheels hit the tarmac, there was a weird silence I knew a millions had died, the hypocritical smiles hiding the hate, the honest eyes looking through in allegation. I remember to smell the stones but so far away from prostration. I have seen the dark rooms flashing in joys of shimmering seduction of the most ancient art known to the modern world, I have seen the lanes covered in snow for the first time, I have seen the leafs settling in nirvanna within, I have laughed hours at the epitome of bliss, I have cried hours at the reality of life on a known shoulder, seen the sins dissolve into love, seen the unseen fade in smoke.
I don't know but there are phases of life which you fear, there are phases which you dear, there are phases which you miss, there are phases which you bliss, phases which you bleed and phases which heed.
Dil pareshan ho magar aankhon mei hairani naho,
Khwab dekho ke haqiqat se pashemani naho
don't be surprised when really worried,
dream as much but do not remorse on reality
Think big and dream bigger I guess, the jiggles of life would never fade away. I have always been a believer of a new beginning, a new end, a new start, a new stop, a new life, a new death (crushed by hope .. living on hope).
Fast forward we are now only 8 and a half thousand hours ago, I had resolved to multiple resolutions my love could never fathom. I tried to stitch back the strewn, tried to crawl back the traditions, tried to fill the void surprises and make up the hope of a better future. I have been the believer of this effort till the last breath of my life. Remember we might fight, might descend, might hate, might cry, might flee, might bleed, might be the mightiest might, I will always love you. Pretentious it may seem but I do.
I did not realize but there has been a long time I did a political commentary, I have always had my opinions and probably this space would not be justified if I do not mention. The time is very contentious with a megalomaniac murderer heading a nation. It's the saddest part of the modern history where the followers of a particular sect are not even considered humans. However, those in power never realize that at the end of the day the mighty sun settles into darkness. There is so much so say in this regard but probably my privilege has diminished by grammar here, my heart goes out to all the people suffering, and really hope the perpetrators die the most painful the most historic the most gory death. I hope. (crushed by hope .. living on hope).
This is really difficult now, I really don't know what I have been writing, just a mess of thoughts, I have probably reached the beginning of this year (may be you can guess), I'm trying, I have broken promises always, but I'm still trying and will continue.
I just don't want to go, but you know what "(crushed by hope .. living on hope)"
Umeed se hain ghayal, Umeed pe zinde hain !
@01:30
Signing off,
mE 'n mA LonE soUL
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